Dear Pete,
Oh man, I forgot to thaw my turkey. What should I do?
From,
Warren
Hi Warren!
That IS a turkey emergency. Turkurgency? Turmergency? It’s a big fucking emergency is the thing. You’ve got a couple options. But really, the only reasonable- Emurkency! Haha, got it! Okay, in all seriousness, your best bet would be to take your frozen turkey, freeze it extra, and then use it to smash down your neighbor’s door and steal their turkey.
~
Dear Pete,
Do I need to be worried about salmonella or other bacteria when handling my turkey?
From,
Dean
Hey Dean!
I recommend not worrying about it and coating your bird with a simple Pepto Bismol glaze. It’s delicious, soothing, and a bright pink turkey will blow your mind all the way off your body.
~
Dear Pete,
I’m looking to deep fry a turkey for the first time this year. Any tips?
From,
Jennifer
Hey Jenny!
I DO! Don’t. There’s just no need for it. We have fried chicken already. It’s the perfect food. Why make Fried Chicken Jr?
~
Dear Pete,
I think stuffing is gross. When you think about it…ew. Am I the only one, or is stuffing really sick?
From,
Annabelle
Hey Annabelle! I do think it’s sort of gross to fill a body cavity with crap and then cook the whole shebang and eat the runoff. On the other hand, my body makes semen, which is gross, and that goes inside other people’s bodies. So what the hell do I know? Just avoid it if you can. If you can’t, I don’t know, just drink so much before eating that nothing makes sense anymore and it won’t seem so bad.