This week’s list consits of six pieces of advice you’ve probably heard that are totally wrong. So wrong that it’s a wonder that we’ve even lived this long to talk about it. So, presented her in no particular order:
Six Pieces of Advice That If You Hear Them You Should Strike the Person Who Said Them
1. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
Ladies, this one is for you. I say that because it’s for your benefit, but also because I’ve certainly heard this from more ladies than men, although it is universally said ABOUT men regardless of the actual speaker. The basic premise, of course, is that if a lady bangs a dude right off, the dude will not pursue the relationship any further.
Well, this is retarded logic. Allow me to explain.
Say we have a dude named Eric. Eric is very interested in Cathy. He thinks Cathy is attractive, funny, smart, she has a good job, and she generally gives Eric the overall happy feeling that we all alternately scorn and pine for. Eric finally asks Cathy on a date, but when Eric comes over to pick up Cathy they are instantly attracted to each other and bang immediately, right there in the doorway.
Now, the minute they finish, the Cow/Sex logic would say that Eric is no longer interested in Cathy romantically because she banged him right away without demanding anything from him up front, which is ridiculous.
What the cow/sex logic would tell you is this: “A guy is going to want to bang you, but you should try and drag him unwillingly through the initial steps of a relationship first because otherwise you won’t have your needs met.” That’s dumb. Maybe instead of trying to force some jerkoff through the beginning of a relationship with brute force, like jamming a watermelon in-rind through a spaghetti strainer, you should just find someone who will go through it willingly.
Here’s where the confusion comes in: A guy will bang a girl that he won’t date. He won’t date a girl that he won’t bang. So, if Eric was interested in Cathy, assuming that he’s not part of some weird cult (Christianity) he will not think less of her, and in fact will probably be pretty pumped about the whole thing. Overall, if that happened to most people, they would say that being overcome with passion almost immediately was a great start to the evening. HOWEVER, if Eric had no intention of dating Cathy, picked her up at a club and banged her, there is no reaosn for him to see her again because he was never interested in dating her in the first place.
The revised version: Dudes will bang a knothole in a pine board, but they won’t take it out on dates.
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2. Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover.
This one falls flat both on the literal and figurative level.
Sure, some great books have shit covers. Look at Catcher in the Rye. Great book, not one good cover. That said, J.D. Salinger was an insane recluse and probably was generally anti enough that he wanted people to be repulsed by the cover. But there’s a reason they pay professsional graphic designers to design book covers, and if a publisher thinks they have a decent chance of getting a good ROI based on the book’s contents, they are far more likely to spend the extra cash on good graphic design.
Figuratively, it doesn’t work either. When Cathy shows up to Eric’s place for their first date and he’s in sweats and his shirt has sauce all over it, she can safely assume that he either:
A. Doesn’t give a hot damn about the date
B. Is trying really hard to make her think he doesn’t give a hot damn, which is just as bad if not worse because you’re opening the door to a dude who not only spills sauce on hisself, but also a dude who is overly concerned with how things look.
Okay, I know there are some ugly-ass people out there. And most of them live in my mirror. But if they’re at least making the effort, that says a lot.
The New Version: Covers don’t make the trial, but they sure as hell work as exhibit A.
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3. Kissing a Smoker is Like Kissing an Ash Tray
No. This is obviously someone who has never actually kissed an ash tray. Okay, if you’re going on taste alone, I can see what you’re saying. But who kisses primarily for the flavor? If that were true we would be spending way less on braces and lip gloss and a hell of a lot more on Jolly Ranchers.
I’ve never been blown by an ash tray, I’ve never told an ash tray “I love you,” an ash tray is not sentient, an ash tray doesn’t have soft lips, and an ash tray is not physically attractive in any way.
Also, kiss someone first thing in the morning after you both fell asleep eating Funyuns and bourbon and then tell me smoking is the grossest habit you can have.
The New Version: Kissing a Smoker is Like Kissing Someone Who Recently Enjoyed a Cigarette.
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4. The Early Bird Catches the Worm
I fucking hate people who wake up early. They’re so goddamn self-righteous. Somehow, people who wake up early feel like they have this amazing, enlightened view of everything because they were there first. Meanwhile, if you sleep until 11, you’re obviously a scumlord.
BUT, if you go to bed at 9 and wake up at 5, getting 8 hours, how does that make you better than the guy who goes to bed at 3 and wakes up at 10, a guy who only sleeps 7 hours and is therefore less lazy than you are?
A sunrise and a sunset is the same goddamn thing, and how many of those do you really need to see? Are you worried that you’re going to be a vampire any day now and never able to watch it again? Believe me, that ain’t happening. The newspaper doesn’t know shit, and breakfast is not the most important meal of the day because it happens at 7. It happens whenever you goddamn do it.
Plus, I’m a big fan of late-night grocery shopping. If you’ve never had the pleasure, I highly recommend it. It takes half the time to get out, you don’t get mowed over by some asshole pushing his cart and not even paying attention, and there’s never a chance meeting at the store that requires two old broads to stand next to each other and use their carts to effectively block the entire aisle. I get my Gummi Worms, and it takes me half the time and 1/10000000 the aggravation.
The New Version: The Early Bird Crows About How Awesome He Thinks He Is All Goddamn Day.
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5. Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right.
Maybe not, but it makes me feel a hell of a lot better. If a guy punches me out, sleeping with his sister doesn’t make him punching me right, but it makes me feel a lot better about it. If someone cuts you off in traffic, flipping them off doesn’t make it right. Let’s face it, sign language can’t really make up for someone nearly ending your life in traffic. But it’s a start, and it’s really all you can do.
People who use this saying are, for lack of a better term, huge boring pussyheads. Seriously, revenge is one of the few driving forces that makes sense. Where would we be if all of our action heroes didn’t believe in revenge? We’d spend a couple hours watching Stallone get the shit kicked out of him while he pondered what he had done to deserve this and how best to express that he was dissatisfied.
And the whole idea behind revenge isn’t not making things right retroactively. It’s prevention. If you could go to Safeway where they prosecute you to the full extent of the law for eating a donut in the store while you shop and then not paying for it, or King Soopers where the same crime will end up with you losing a goddamn hand, I think we can agree to do our stealing at Safeway.
The New Version: You Started It, Motherfucker!
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6. You Can Lead a Horse to Water but You Can’t Make Him Drink.
Fuck you. It’s called waterboarding, motherfucker.