ON THE AIRPLANE
Okay. Let’s just see who’s sitting next to me…ah, perfect. A middle-aged lady who has an uncanny resemblance to my mom. That’s just about perfect. Because my mom would be really cool with me reading Playboy on the airplane. Goddamn it. I even wore this suit just so I could look like I’m reading Playboy classy. Like one of the guys IN the magazine instead of one of the guys LOOKING AT the magazine.
AT A BARBERSHOP
Huh. Well, let’s check the options here. Sports magazine from 1994. Sports magazine from 1994. Catalogue that someone seems to feel qualifies as a magazine because it has glossy paper and is bound by staples. Ah, a Playboy. Jeez. It’s probably the best option, right? I’ll just open it up here. Just like as if I do it every day. -40 minutes later-
Shit. I got so engrossed in the Playboy they passed me over. Shit. I must have been the name they were calling over and over. That’s probably why they kept doing all that annoying shouting. Shit. Now I can’t just pretend like I’m ready. They’ll know that I was totally absorbed in the Playboy. Shit.
AS A TEEN, WITH FRIENDS
Haha, you know what we should totally do with this? Each take turns taking it home. For about 8 weeks. I’ll take the first 8 weeks. Then Frank. Then me and Eric will have some kind of bet where I try to beat him in a footrace to take his turn, which he will win because he’s a LOT faster than me, but you’ll really see me straining to win in a way you’ve never experienced and that is very uncomfortable.
AT A NEWSSTAND
Just simply slip this into another magazine. What would people believe that I read…how about Popular Mechanics. Nope, too stupid for that. Home & Garden? Obviously the man STANDING at a newsstand magazine rack in the middle of the day on a Tuesday doesn’t own a home. Penthouse? Well, that’s believable, but it’s the only magazine they have that’s worse than Playboy. How did this happen? How did I become the one human too classy for Penthouse and too trashy for Playboy?