Not so long ago I was in a thrift store, and peeking out from a shelf I saw a box for a Marvel Comics action figure. Being a former collector of action figures, although a terrible collector because I always took them out of the box, I had to take a look.
And to my horror/disappointment/bafflement/other confusing feelings, this is the action figure offer on the box:
Yep, a super-limited edition 8″ poseable figure. Of everyone’s favorite marvel character, Peter Parker’s Aunt May.
You may remember Aunt May from her many adventures. Such as Aunt May Stares Pensively Out the Window When Peter Parker Leaves. Or, one of her shining moment, Aunt May Stares Pensively Out the Window While Clutching a Brooch When Peter Parker Leaves.
And thank god the thing is fully poseable. Because otherwise it would be hard to re-create some of her best moments, such as Aunt May Collapses Due To The Stress of Being Related to Other Human Beings.
This is, I have to say, a shining example of what happened to comics, action figures, and other collectibles, and what ruined them forever.
As a kid, I’d always go to the toy store to look for a Batman. Every kid around a certain age had the same Batman figure, the one with the retractable belt that never appeared in the movies or comics and only really helped him be attached to things by the crotch.
I don’t think I ever actually met anyone who had the gun. Or whatever the hell that paper was. Or, most times, the cape. They really shouldn’t call these things detachable. They should call them Loseables. Now with loseable Batarang!
Every time I went to the toy store, however, here were the options of action figures:
Ah, shortpants Robin. This was, if you can believe it, a pretty good day.
Looooots of these fuckers. You may not remember Bob the Goon from the Batman movie. Possibly because his main function was to be shot by the Joker for no reason.
Fatty McFatterson. Of course. I never knew anyone who bought this one, although we can SEE the umbrella he has, and we can SEE what the package claims it does, and frankly there’s no way I can work it out so that this whole thing isn’t a complete lie.
Ah. A bald guy in a purple suit who has some kind of a power punch. Which he uses against Superman? On the plus, two-for-one, you could pretend this was the “after” version of Kingpin after he’d undergone radical weight-loss surgery.
So things started off in a sensible way. Basically, kids wanted the figures that were awesome. They became rare.
OR, instead of going with what’s organically rare, or seeing the cost of something shoot up because we accidentally painted a penis on it, let’s just put out limited quantities of certain figures. And to make sure we don’t lose out on sales, let’s make it a character no one else wants. It’s the perfect plan.
And this, THIS my friends, is how we end up with an Aunt May “action” figure.
Okay? Marketing has fucked up everything. This, to me, will always be conclusive proof that marketing is a bunch of total bullshit.
Because they could have just printed more Batmans with the Crotcharang. Or Spider-Men. REGULAR Spider-Men. Not Aqua Adventure Spider-Man With Blue Costume And Real Water Squirter You Hate Until You Hit On The Idea Of Filling It With Pee.
So whenever someone tells you about marketing, just remember this old cunt and decide if a good decision is being made.