On buying shitty saddlebags for my dumb motorcycle, I thought the hardest part would be installing them as I have no mechanical abilities or even a full understanding of the Lefty Loosy rule. But it turns out that if I even GET the opportunity to install them wrong it will be a miracle.
This is thanks to the absolute shit service of Fedex and UPS.
Let’s start with UPS:
These motherfuckers operate on the following procedure:
1. Get paid real money by me.
2. Bring package to my door three times, always during the middle of the afternoon on a weekday when there is no chance I will be home.
3. Leave a sticky note on my door letting me know I wasn’t there, which I already know.
4. Try three times before sending package back.
Okay, it gets better. These shitheads always leave a little sticky note that says nobody was there to get the package. On the back, you have the option to sign what is basically a waiver saying that it’s alright for them to go ahead and leave the package. BUT IT’S NOT UNTIL YOU SIGN THE FORM, SEE ANOTHER ONE PASTED RIGHT ON TOP OF IT AND CALL THE OFFICE THAT THEY TELL YOU THAT THIS DOESN’T APPLY TO APARTMENTS. MOTHERFUCKERS! So then you have to call and arrange to pick it up from them.
Let’s pause right here. YOU, as paying consumer, call THEM to arrange a time when you can go to THEIR PLACE and deliver a package. TO YOURSELF! SHIIIT!
Oh, and by the way, the goddamn weirdo 14 year-old girl will not be mentioning that their hours are 3-7:30. Probably because those are such normal business hours for a legitimate business.
Now let’s move on to Fed Ex.
Basically the same situation, so I call and have them hold it at their location. This should be a simple procedure. And it is in as much as I can make a couple clicks online and have it held. Only problem is, they don’t make ANY indication of where the fuck they’re holding it. None! I know it’s somewhere, but that’s the extent of what I know. It is in existence, and that existence is anchored to a geographical location. Figure it out.
So I end up calling, reading the 4,000 digit tracking number to some dumb piece of shit, who tells me the address of my package. Bad enough it’s in Johnstown, a solid half hour away, but get this: Google doesn’t even know where the goddamn place is. I plug in the address, and nothing. So then I go through their address and, whew!, they have a link to a map. Well, guess what?
these asshole bastards put a link to Google maps, which DOESN’T KNOW WHERE THE PLACE IS! They give you a link to NOTHING! Um, also, you know what IS on Google? MY FUCKING APARTMENT! Remember, the place where you were supposed to leave the fucking shit ass package?
Mapquest, somehow, has it figured out.
Oh, so starting from my home, to UPS, to FEDex, back home:
Estimated Travel Time: 56 minutes.
Total Mileage: 40.68.
That’s fucking great.
I have a proposal for you, you shitbag companies: How about since I have to come and get the packages, YOU PAY ME BACK FOR THE FUCKING SHIPPING COST! I am able to go and drive places to get my own shit, so when I pay you the point is to avoid doing that. But I would say it’s not working too well, huh? Look, if I order a pizza, they don’t deliver it to me and I end up picking it up, you better believe I’m not paying no deliver charge.
You assholes.