A lot of people ask me about the tips for peeing in the car. Because I do it a lot, and usually I only get pee on either my pants OR my shirt, but almost never both. So let’s go!
Q: How do you know that it’s time to pee in the car?
A: That’s a good question. One common mistake made by amateurish fools who let their egos run fucking wild is to think that it’ll be no problem to make it to the nearest filling station. My question to them is, Why suffer for the next 8+ minutes when you could simply urinate in a completely inappropriate place? You only live once, so carpe diem, try to live as little of your life as possible holding a monster pee.
Q: What about the other cars around you?
A: People pay money to see penises. It’s a fact. Okay, only a very select group pays money to see just the tip, shriveled and coated in a light sheen of driving sweat, shooting pee into a bottle. Still, SOME do, and we aren’t here to judge people who have different sexual preferences, whether those preference be women with large breasts, peeing into semi-transparent containers, women with enormous breasts, or women with gigantic fake breasts. Besides, I see little kid asses all the time when they’re using urinals. Are you all aware that little boys pull their pants all the way down while using a urinal? They really should put western saloon doors on urinal dividers, except down low to cover butts.
Q: How do you select a container?
A; It’s a desert island decision. You don’t necessarily pick something great. You have to choose from what you have available. Sometimes you’re lucky and it’s a 32 oz Gatorade bottle with a wide mouth. Sometimes you’re less lucky and it’s a crude paper cup you learned to fold in 5th grade and can create out of almost any foldable paper. In this last case, it was a SmartWater bottle. Apparently, the makers of this water do not consider it “smart” to pee in their bottles while driving. Tiny opening, and very tall. So when selecting a container, imagine it like selecting a romantic partner at last call in a strange city where people look like their bodies don’t get much sun and their hair gets TOO much.
Q: Describe the process.
A: First, whip out part of your penis. Part the pubes to the side if you’re a man of nature, like myself. Normally it’s fine and even a little fun to just see a urine stream emerge from a nest of hair, no penis evident, but in this case you need as accurate a stream as possible. Then, unbuckle and stand on the floor of the car. Align your peehole (commonly called a “urethra”) with the bottle’s peehole (commonly called the “opening”). Now, here’s the trick. Don’t just cut loose. Dribble just a bit into the bottle. Dribble, then cut it. Evaluate. Repeat. Repeat this a couple times to ensure that you’re getting a decent cut into the bottle as opposed to on your clothes, on the car, or anywhere else. If you’re wearing a lousy shirt or driving a car that belongs to someone else, like a family member, you can just let fly.
Q: What do you do if the bottle gets too full?
A: Oh, it will get full. That’s a guarantee. The catch-22 of bottle peeing is that you only do it when you really need to pee, and you’ll never feel as desperate a need to pee if you’re not holding onto a pretty decent amount of liquid. Don’t despair. You still have options. You can fill the bottle and cut the stream. not ideal, but the pressure is relieved, and you can dump the pee out the window and begin again. Or, cut the stream and take a deep hit off the bottle. Just shoot it, like a 15 year-old shooting whiskey. Believe me, you want to take a full hit because you won’t be likely to take a second one. Hopefully you can relax your throat enough to cut the liquid level to a good spot and finish peeing. Whether pee breath is worse than pee pants is a debate you’ll have to argue for yourself and based on your personal belief structure, but I encourage you to think about this before you find yourself up against the wall. Of pee.
Q: What do you do with the bottle?
A: Well, I recommend the ol’ dump it in a pile of grass technique. You could seal it and trash it, but come on. Someone has to take out that trash. That same person probably cleans the bathroom as well. Let’s not fuck up the distinction between those two jobs and make their career that much worse. Whatever your choice, be absolutely sure to document the pee bottle in a photograph for your classy web site.
Congratulations! You did it. You peed at high speed, saving yourself the time of pulling over and the gas mileage wasted by the added weight of hauling your dignity along with you on your road trip. Thanks for reading, and please feel free to ask any further questions related to my penis, large breasts, or giant breasts.