Day 1:
It’s a great day for watching birds. I assume. Is there such thing as a bad day for watching birds?
Well.
Maybe a day when you have tickets to something better. A carnival. A concert. An outdoor concert. Any event, really. If a day has something else to do, it’s probably a bad day for watching birds because you could be doing something else much better.
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Day 2:
Saw a brown one today. Medium little. It was just sort of walking around on the ground. I hate when birds do that. If I could fly, believe me, I’d be flying all the fuck over the place. I would never walk again. My legs would shrivel into little posts of shit. They would look like those snake fireworks, the ones where it looks like the hell is taking a tiny shit onto the sidewalk and it’s coming upwards.
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Day 3:
I don’t know if I saw any birds today. I say I don’t know because I did see a fly, and I think flies might be birds. We don’t know much about insects. I told someone at Target, that’s where I go to buy Ensure so I can drink it and stay out in the bush longer, I told someone there that I’d been out to see birds and saw a fly. She said that flies aren’t birds. She might be right. But she works at Target, so she probably can hardly afford to shop at Target. So what does she know besides horrid red shirts and khaki pants?
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Day 4:
Huge black bird today! It was the Michael Clarke Duncan of birds.
Is crows and ravens the same thing? I know that crows are huge and black. But I think ravens might be huge and black. If they’re different, maybe we should make them the same thing. It would be a lot easier for us bird people. Like a two-for-one, if you see it you could just cross it off.
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Day 5:
I did some research today. It turns out that crows and ravens are different. But the only way to tell is whether they are soaring (raven) or go “”caw-caw” (crow).
It’s hard to say which one I saw yesterday because I only saw it when it exploded into feathers because it got hit by a bus.
This I will say, watching birds explode is a lot more exciting than just looking for birds doing regular stuff.
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Day 6:
Really thought by now I’d have accidentally used my binoculars to see a naked girl. In a window or near some kind of waterfall. No dice. Which is a way of saying “fuck this shit forever.”