So I spent a bit of time walking around Target. AND I saw SOME SHIT!
Am I the only one who sees this weird brick of coffee and has no real idea how people are managing it? Do you just…scoop it out of the bag? And it slowly deflates? Do you dump it into another container? In which case, why aren’t you just getting the kind in the container? I feel like a child whenever I see bricked coffee.
Well, thank god. I was hoping we’d have more Red Bull options. Can’t help but notice this is the Red edition. Of a product called Red Bull. Wouldn’t Red be the original? Or the original be Red? And by the way, you crazy fucking chemists, keep cranberry out of my energy drinks. This is as close as I get to fun drugs. Why would you cut them with something natural? Just to piss me off?
Have you seen my WATER VESSEL? I know you probably thought it was a water bottle. Haha, but I’m not poor. I drink from a vessel.
I don’t get this. As a poster. I get the gag. “Mustache” sounds like “Must Ask.” But how is that a poster? Why? Your wall must ask you a question? Am I just old and missing something entirely? Is this Downton Abbey?
These posters are the same shit from when I was in junior high. Just once, a cat’s boner. Why not?
This Lego Man looks like a single father trying his hand (u-shaped claw) at the dating scene. Most Lego men don’t have those desperation lines around the eyes.
Based on some homes I’ve visited, I just wanted to point out that a brand new one of these is seven bucks.
Wait wait wait. This isn’t a hat created from a regular towel? I think this is one skill that women have and men covet. This is the clip-on tie of women’s accessories.
I like to imagine a world where these are, in fact, the best headphones ever made. Under a battery of tests, these performed better than thousand dollar in-ear headphones. And they only cost eight bucks. WE WOULD ALL HAVE THEM.
N-Strike Elite was the original name for the Tuskegee Airmen.
Okay, well, these still are available for purchase. You don’t just have to get them from a lost and found at the mall.
I’m here for the catalogue modeling job. It’s for weights? Aw, jesus. You sure you don’t need another blonde over there? The ones sitting and drinking instant coffee? Or those ones eating Milanos? No? Okay. I’ll just hold this 40 lbs. all day. Should be great.
This is a girdle. My problem is that it is in the health and fitness section. This doesn’t actually make you healthier or fitter. It just wraps your tumtum. That would be like putting the Nike visors next to the condoms and calling it all birth control.
Workout DVD or my Saturday nights?
This guy clearly has no fucking idea what’s going on.
If I saw a couple this deliriously happy walking by my house, I’d turn the sprinklers on them. And the night before I would have filled the sprinkler pipes with those crazy flying ants. Can those things even fly? They seem to just walk around. I don’t understand. Those wings are goddamn worthless underground. Have they evolved just to horrify us?
I have a hint for you. If your two ice cubes have dissolved, you’re drinking too slowly.