Hi, I’m Pete. When people see that I have adult braces, they ask me questions like
“Nice braces, faggot!”
or
“Nice face fag-o!”
Sometimes though people ask me more polite questions. Ones that they don’t really care about, but that they ask anyway for I don’t know why. So instead of answering them every time, I thought it would be good to type this up and print them all out on an index card that I can hand to people. Maybe laminated so it will last longer and in case someone asks me in the shower at the gym. If you think that people wouldn’t ask that kind of question in the gym shower, then I guess you must go to one of those fancy gyms where people don’t prop their legs on things and then do that sawing thing with their towels like they’re trying saw themselves in half starting at the groin.
Here we go!
Q: Do braces hurt?
Sure. What doesn’t? Have you ever been worked on by a man with a doctorate and not felt pain? This is why I believe massages are bullshit, by the way. No doctorate, supposed to feel good. How about instead of getting a massage you just drink beer and eat pizza? Cheaper, same thing.
Q: How long will I have to wear my braces?
The answer is that no one fucking knows. But let’s put it this way, if it was going to be less than 18 months, how bad did you need the braces in the first place? My advice is to never ask. Treat it like a prison sentence. If you’re tracking every hour of your sentence that came from killing your massage therapist because it turned out the man was a charlatan in a short-sleeved polo, it’ll seem like forever. Best to lose track of time, right?
Q: Am I too old for braces?
Well, that depends. I read somewhere about a human person who allegedly had braces after age 80. That’s just goddamn nuts. 80!? By the time I’m 80 I’ll be cutting oral sex out completely just to mitigate the risk of dying before getting to the genital-on-gential part of the sex. With an old, old woman and my horrific body.
Q: Are braces just for cosmetic changes?
There are a couple answers to that one. For humans, absolutely not. Some of us, through a combination of genetics, poor dental care and multiple head injuries, have never been able to eat, sleep, or breathe like a normal human is designed to. HOWEVER, if you’re an insurance company, all bets are off. Having both legs is considered cosmetic.
Q: What about Invisalign?
Again, if that shit works for you, you didn’t need braces in the first place. Invisalign? You’d be better off finding someone with perfect teeth, then molding a sports mouthpiece, the kind you boil, to their teeth. Then you wear it as much as you can. And then bam, you’ve done Invisalign. I’m actually starting to think that Invisalign doesn’t do anything and just gets people in the office because they thing they might just get out of all this without being humiliated.
Q: How do I floss?
Oh, give me a break. You ain’t flossing NOW.
Q: What things will I not be able to eat?
There’s a simple equation to figuring out whether or not a food is safe for braces. Is it a food you love dearly? Then don’t eat it.
Q: What should I do if a wire is poking me?
They’ll give you wax. This is designed to be fiddled with until you just give up and let yourself be stabbed. OR combine a large pair of balls with a very small set of wire clippers, dash of DIY attitude, and all of a sudden you’ve edited your own braces!
Q: What should I do if I break part of my braces?
Come up with a plausible lie before calling your orthodontist. I recommend something along the lines of “fell from a shuttle bus in an outdoor mall.” Worked for me! Oh, and if you swallow the piece, no need to dig through your waste to make sure it emerges. Just wait and if you don’t develop terrible pain in a couple days, you’re fine.
Q: How much do braces cost?
One motorcycle.