My dream of pulling off pajama jeans is officially dead. In. The. Grave.
This is not because I failed to stick to the Bodacious Booty plan I’d crafted for myself. I did fail, but the plan was pretty terrible. Mostly it involved being seated and a comprehensive look at the various Pillsbury products available on the market.
No, the real issue is that I saw some. On a human man.
I saw his wife first. She was hard to miss as he was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt with a NASCAR sweatshirt over the top. “Ensemble” can’t be pronounced French enough to really explain the garb.
Then I saw her husband. Immediately, something appeared to be wrong with his jeans.”Something” turned into “everything except for the fact that they adequately covered his dick” almost immediately after.
First, they were acid wash. A style of jeans that I think Whitesnake is digitally editing out I their videos.
Second, they had what I can only describe as battle damage. Sometimes you buy an action figure with what they call Battle Damage. This is a cheap way to make a second figure from the same mold by adding only paint. They paint on a couple rips in superman’s little underwear, boom, collectible.
These jeans also featured battle damage. Cuts and rips painted on. For no apparent reason other than to screw pajama jean collectors out of some more cash.
Pockets painted on too? Haha, how did you know? Why give a person functioning pockets when you could simply paint on fake ones?
Finally, they just looked like shit. Plain shit. They billowed as he walked. Billowed such that they distracted from even a woman wearing a Jurassic Park tee (I’m sorry if no one else is amazed by this, but is she just a huge fan of the film? Dinosaurs in general?)
So, another dream dashed. But someday someone will make a pants that are comfortable, fashionable, and that make it look like I have a colossal joint.