Recently I came across a used game store with some excellent Nintendo cartridges. These brought back great memories. AND I noticed a few things I hadn’t seen before.
First, Operation Wolf. This game was fucking impossible. Basically you were shooting the shit out of people and trying not to die. I say “trying” because you were gonna die.
But then a ray of sunshine. Seeing the completely unorganized cartridges next to each other, I made a little discovery:
Comparing the box art. Look at the grimace. The hard eyes. I’m pretty sure that this fellow made it out alive. Or at least, his body did. It’s at Pebble Beach playing golf. But his soul? Well, suffice to say that he misses an easy putt and he’s back in the jungle stage shooting “slopes” in a fury.
Then this:
Raid on Bungeling Bay? And what is this dog fire man face on the top? What’s bungeling?
As it turns out, my mission to investigate just what the fuck this game was revealed that it was the first video game designed by Will Wright, the dude who would eventually go on to make Sim City, the Sims, and SimAnt, which is loosely based on my apartment.
What’s the image? Who the hell knows.
Anyway, then we get into aggressive sports.
Skate or Die. Sure. That makes sense. You have two options: Skate. That’s option A. Or Die. That’s option B.
I’m not really sure what the scenario is here that puts you in this position, but I have to say that in some ways it’s a lot more terrifying than the idea of Ghosts and Goblins or Metroids or something. Because if I was told that a volcano was going off, and some dude handed me a skateboard as my only getaway vehicle and said, “Skate or Die, bro” I would be sort of screwed. Or…actually, it might be alright. Based on previous skating experience, I’d probably just fall immediately, severely hurt myself and be somewhat out of it as the lava flowed over my body and consumed it, leaving a perfect mummy for future civilizations to uncover. It’s really more Skate AND Die for me, but let’s not confuse the issue too much here.
What I don’t get so much?
SKI or Die. Really? “If I don’t go skiing so, I’ll just DIIIEEEEEE. Uhhhhh.”
Is that what they mean? Or is this supposed to convince me that skiing is badass? Because I’ve been skiing. It can be fun. As can rollerblading. And picnic-ing.
The 90’s were real obsessed with making shit extreme. No matter what you did, it had to be extreme. That Operation Wolf guy? He would be so pissed off if he saw this. He’d probably be thinking how he wished he’d just died in Nam or wherever the hell he was.
Then I came across this little treasure from childhood:
How fucking awesome does this game look? Giant robot with a laser sword in space fighting a space robot dragon who is also shooting lasers? Is that a space robot dinosaur I see flying in the background? And what a use of purple. Well, I’m sold. Better give me TWO copies because I’m pretty sure I’ll wear this first one out. It just looks that good.
Somewhere between your point of purchase and home, the game then morphs into this:
And it never ends. Just a loop of weird little machines. And where’s the goddamn laser sword and the rad shield? All gone. Just you piloting a robot, who seems to be wearing ruby slippers, through an endless and boring landscape. Son of a bitch.
They really must have spent a lot on game art back in the day. I mean, art put ON the games. Which worked. It tricked me, boy. But hey, there were still some moments of artful pride in the games too. Lest we forget.
