I left two days ago to go rafting, so according to my calculations, I’ve been missing for about 18 hours. You will find a set of 180 MISSING PERSON posters on my desk. Please take them and distribute. Also, please make the following edits:
-Where the poster says “Reward” cross out the “RE” and replace with “Montgomery.” Also, add the word “Gift Card” at the end.
-Please add a photo. Preferably not the one where I have a one dollar bill pasted (short ways) over my peen, OR the one where I’m swinging three cats over my head by the tails.
-Add information about local garage sale at the bottom. Then go to said garage sale and demand percent of proceeds.
-Add the following line: “If you see the man/corpse, please make sure to capture and kill ALL snails in the area.” Snails, after feasting on my flesh, gain my powers.
-Reprint all 180 on Goldenrod.
-Change description from “Nice” butt to “Outstanding” butt.