Welcome back to the pool! We are so excited for you to be here and eat chicken fingers all over the fucking place. Ah, summer!
Just so you know we weren’t being lazy all summer, I wanted to let you know about some of the updates we made to the pool over the winter.
-New basketball rim, pre-bent as all fuck. We WILL have to ask that a kid weighing 45 lbs. not hang on the rim because it is bent to the perfect level according to some studies done on other shitty pools.
-Bottom painted a light blue as opposed to beige in order to identify corpses sitting at the bottom.
-Volleyball court jammed into a very small area so that pool attendees can enjoy volleyballs flying all the fuck around because every fuckhead in boardshorts all of a sudden becomes Gabrielle Reece.
We do want to remind you of some of the rules of the pool.
REMEMBER: We ostensibly want everyone to shower right before getting in the pool. However we only enforce this by providing a single, terrifying shower in the bathroom that a prisoner wouldn’t use before going to the electric chair. Logic tells us that the dirtiest people are also, interestingly enough, the least likely to abide by this rule.
REMEMBER: We will shit ourselves if someone shows up in jean shorts, but the fact that Target sells bikinis for 4 year olds doesn’t phase us one bit.
REMEMBER: The lifeguards are there for your protection. Assuming that you are a girl who goes to their high school who likes to watch a man really twirl a whistle WITH VERVE.
REMEMBER: The one waterslide that looks fun will pretty much always be closed.
Also, the final purpose of this letter was to address an issue we had last summer when one resident decided to make a very strong point about babies wearing diapers into the pool. Yes, we can acknowledge that shitting in the pool is an issue. Yes, we can see that there is a certain logic to a man entering the pool while holding a 6-foot sub sandwich in that one would rather eat a sandwich and share a pool with a sandwich as opposed to a log of feces. However, we feel the line needed to be drawn at the idea of a man holding a log of shit, calmly walking down the stairs into the pool. If, however, this man is willing to wrap the log of shit in a diaper, new negotiations may need to be opened.
We look forward to seeing you this summer, selling you weird chalky candy from the snack bar, and being extremely unhelpful when your bike is stolen.
Enjoy!
-Pool Staff