8 AM- Shakespeare wakes up, ruins all of 8th grade by writing some shit play about this broad who loves this dude and they can’t be together because someone got stabbed or is gay or something.
9:30 AM- Shakespeare ruins all of 9th grade by writing this goddamn thing where there’s a ghost in it. But it’s NOT Ghostbusters, so don’t be fooled. There’s no proton packs, Slimer, frozen pizza, Jeanine, Ray, converted ambulance, or anything. Do. Not. Be. Fooled.
10 AM- Shakespeare trims his hair into just about the dumbest haircut this side of Edgar Allen Poe. Seriously, that is complete bullshit. If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d have a haircut like this piece of shithole I saw at the gym where he had a star outline shaved in the side of his head. Shakespeare was like Prince Valiant but bald on top. What an asshole.
11AM- Shakespeare trims his mustache and beard. Again, fuck this guy.
1 PM- Shakespeare writes some shitty poem. Sonnet, excuse me. I forgot that when you’re complaining about some bullshit poem about how a flower is like a vagina or some shit that it’s a sonnet. My mistake.
2 PM- Shakespeare builds a Globe Theater. It is not shaped like a globe, so he’s a goddamn liar. This was waaay before they invented the sphere, and even if they had I bet Shakespeare sucked at anything involving spheres, ESPECIALLY basketball, which he was also too fucking stupid to invent.
4 PM- Shakespeare puts on a play. If my recollections are correct, this almost always involves a dope little kid pretending he’s an old fat man, a middle school teacher making a cameo, which is so stupid because it’s not like a baseball coach gets to pinch hit, and a flat background made out of plywood by the one guy in school who likes to tuck his t-shirts into jeans.
6PM- Shakespeare gets wasted, but not on something cool. Probably like a dead beaver filled with wine.
9PM- Gwyneth Paltrow topless. This is actually the only justification for Shakespeare ever being alive, and almost worth it, to be honest.
1 AM- Shakespeare goes to bed and dreams about fairies, gnomes, goat men, and werewolves to put in his plays.