Me: Uh, hi.
GNC Guy: Hello. Is this your first time here?
Me: Uh huh.
GNC Guy: Well, welcome. I can see you’re not as muscular as you could be.
Me: Yes sir.
GNC Guy: Are you ready to go ahead and get the fuck out of here before I beat you up? Beat you really badly?
Me: Yes, thank you.
~
GNC Guy: Can I help you find anything today, big guy?
Me: Do you really think I’m a big guy?
GNC Guy: Haha, oh my no! That’s funny. Hey! Hey Derrick! This guy here thinks he’s big! Real big! No, this guy here, behind the rack of pills! I know, right?
~
GNC Guy: Hey there, chief. What can I do for you?
Me: So GNC stands for General Nutrition Center?
GNC Guy: You got it.
Me: Cool. So have you guys ever thought about having a mascot? Like an army guy named General Nutrition?
GNC Guy: …
Me: Like Sergeant Slaughter? But for nutrition? And a much higher rank?
GNC Guy: …
Me: Okay. Well, this is the part where I usually say something like “Ain’t I a stinker?” and then run straight through one of the glass doors there. But thanks for being a sport.
~
GNC Guy: I see you’ve been eyeing those pills there.
Me: Yeah. I guess so. I mean…I have to confess something here. I don’t actually know what all this stuff is.
GNC Guy: [leans in] Haha, dude, me neither! Here’s Myocytoplex. Here’s Myocardiocyanoplexin B. I just tell people that one is for lean, endurance muscle and the other one is for big, power muscles.
Me: Ohhhh. Okay. Do any of these come in a fucking gigantic jar that I can put on my counter because it doesn’t even fit in a cabinet? Because I have a girl coming over later.
GNC Guy: Buddy, I got just the thing.