Much to my dismay, what did I see at the grocery store this fine, fine spring eve?
Yuuuup. This is a thing. Now, to save us the huge, unassailable hassle of buying two separate packages of shitty food that are right next door to each other, I can now buy this one box.
I don’t like this. I don’t know when it got decided that wings were an acceptable side to pizza. Why, all of a sudden, did we decide that hot wings were a side dish to pizza?
Wings should only have two purposes:
1. Bar food
2. Every so often you eat them AS a meal because that’s just how much you don’t care about life, living, and the empty husks that surround you every day.
That’s pretty much it.
The whole idea of pizza places expanding has been a problem for a while now. I don’t know why these places insist on offering more and more bizarre things on their menu. Pizza Hut has to be the worst offender. Pastas, wings, salad bars. Most notably, a HOT DOG STUFFED CRUST.
Fuck that shit.
For one thing, I am real sick of people turning hot dogs into basically the rapist penis of foods, just jamming them into every place where they don’t belong and aren’t welcome. Hot dogs, much like a penis, can be delicious, fun, and really round out a baseball game for me. But goddamn, not these shit dogs. Have some pride.
Secondly, I guarantee you that whether or not it’s edible, it’s not preferable. It might be fun as a novelty, but c’mon. If you want a novelty food, dip Twizzlers in mustard and then think about what happened to you that brought you to this.
At any rate, I recognize the brave struggle of pizza places to come up with a side. As a child, we were forced to eat carrot sticks with pizza. And you know what? Screw that. Pizza stands alone.
As for wings, I don’t really get the appeal. Maybe it’s because I don’t own any jerseys that I make a point of wearing on the day the represented team will be going into do football fight or whatever. I don’t own a jersey at all unless you count a concert tee that’s so ill-fitting that it is near the size of a jersey and makes me have good/chilling memories of wearing huge shirts as clothing as a child. How do parents let that happen? It’s gross. I don’t want to see an upskirt of my son. Whatever I can do to avoid that, I’m doing.
What’s really disturbing about this whole thing is that we are not even talking about buffalo wings, a term that has been mocked to death. We are talking about Boneless Wyngz* Buffalo Chicken Fritters.
If we can get past the fact that the word Wyngz would only work for an 80’s group that specializes in power ballads, let’s look at the other words.
First, boneless. Okay, let’s just think about this for a second. Is this company giving you boneless wings because they know what a hassle the bone is, or are they doing it because that means this can be made exclusively from chicken parts that normally constitute the unidentifiable leavings of a coyote attack? If a boneless wing was a real thing, it would come as a pile of chicken meat in slivers. Not mashed together. How are they getting the bone out? Phasing it out with Star Trek technology (Star Trek: Long Day’s Journey Into Night, IN THEATERS FRIDAY)?
Buffalo. I’m really unclear on why these are buffalo.
Okay, I just googled it. Allegedly they were invented in Buffalo, NY. I can dig it. Although it’s confusing. I mean, we hear New York style pizza and it makes sense. It would be like someone inventing a new kind of oatmeal in a very certain part of Canada and from ten on referring to is as “Dildo Oatmeal.” Or maybe an enterprising chef in a certain part of Oklahoma comes up with a new way to serve ribs, and now we have “Hooker Ribs.” You can see how this would become confusing.
By the way, in case you didn’t notice, I was googling hilarious place names as well. Turns out there’s a Fucking, Austria. Fucking. That’s insane. If I found out that the name of my town meant “cunt” in Austrian, I would consider changing it. We all know how poised Austrians are, just waiting for us to screw up on the internet so they can laugh and laugh.
Chicken. That’s pretty alleged.
And fritters. I’m pretty sure that anything wrapped in shit and then deep fried is a fritter. So is that there just to confuse and disorient us? So that we see w comforting word and ignore Wyngz. Excuse me, “Wyngz*”. What’s with the asterisk? It’s never a good sign to eat something with an asterisk. I don’t have a lot of rules when it comes to food, but I’m pretty comfortable with that one. You rarely see “Fresh Broccoli*.”
Christ.
Anyway, thanks, DiGiorno, for making another trip to the grocery store that much more horrifying. I hated it. I hate the frozen aisle.
By the way, has anyone else noticed that you can get the entire TGI Friday’s menu in that fucking aisle? So they’re just admitting outright that they serve frozen crap that you could just as easily be dissatisfied with at home? Perfect.