Hi, everyone! Welcome to Pete’s Freezer Meal Seminar! Today we’re going to learn about making large quantities of food, freezing portions and feeding yourself for weeks at a time!
First step, raise your hand if you’re married. Okay, fuck off, die. Also, please leave the class at this time. Shoveling shit food into your mouth just to power your godforsaken body through another moment of this hellish life is really the territory of the single. So either kill yourself in front of the class as apology or please leave.
Great. Now that that’s settled, let’s talk about the method of freezing meals to eat later.
Go ahead and heat up your stovetop and grab that onion. Heat a tablespoon or so of olive oil in the pan while you chop, then throw all the chopped onion in the pan.
While that’s cooking up, we move onto step 2. Go ahead and lean against the counter and think about your life. You can lean with your back against the countertop or in the forward, elbows-on-the-counter fashion as you look out the window. Either way is good, just so long as you make sure to really feel the sadness coursing through your entire body, almost quaking it to the ground.
Okay, now we’re going to go ahead and add the ground beef to the pan. I recommend really breaking it apart with a spatula. Just keep breaking it apart. If you have big chunks, they tend to get dried out between freezing and reheating. But if you break them up, the moisture is more manageable.
That’s going to take a minute. Go ahead and check your phone. Make sure no one called. Maybe turn it all the way off and back on again. You can never be too sure, you know? Put it next to the window in your half-underground apartment too, just to make sure you’re getting signal. I mean, haha, when you look at the call history, it’s been 3 weeks since someone actually called. That can’t be right.
Keep that ground beef turning here. We’ll get that out of the pan and start in on a great sauce in a second. Let’s just all take a brief break. Go ahead and line up for the bathroom. I want you all to practice staring in the mirror, putting your hands on both sides of your face, and saying, “What the fuuuuuuuuuuuck am I doing? What the fuuuuuuuuck.” After that we’ll come back and talk about the best value for containers so you can save that precious cash for booze, which is really your significant other now.