Thanks, thanks for coming out everybody. Let’s get another quick round of applause for Bruce Springsteen’s song that I didn’t license in any way because even as lawmakers we still just don’t seem to get that we can’t use a song in a commercial just because we like it and figure nobody will tell Bruce Springsteen.
Now let’s get retarded in here!
Our union is going pretty great. Also it’s going shitty. There’s some of stuff that’s great and some of stuff that’s shitty. That’s really all there is to it, but I guess this should go a little longer. I DID put on a fucking tie and everything.
Some of our new initiatives have paid off big time. Not literally in money. We’re still REEEEEAAAALLLLL fucked there. But, you know, other stuff.
For example, the initiative to reduce references to early-to-mid-2000’s television series The Shield have been quite successful. It’s been weeks since I’ve clenched a fist and said “…..Mackie. Goddamnit!” We’ve seen good results and the response from the general public has been very positive. Or at least less super negative because nobody has any idea what it means to say “Aceveda is all over my ass.”
The initiative for the loud neighbors to stop making so much goddamn noise all the time has been less of a success. Although there is still hope as phase two is shouting this part into all the vents over and over until someone comes to the door to either apologize or direct an entry team to tear gas the entire place.
We’re also looking into the possibility that they might spontaneously melt. That would be real rad.
Today, however, is also about the future. What’s on the horizon? At the end of the rainbow? Just peeking out of the dog’s ass?
This year is a year of change. We’re getting back to our roots. Our Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch roots. No more Chipotle bullshit. No more Smoky Buffalo. We want to stick to what made this apartment great so that we can continue to be great. Dorito great, which is honestly pretty shitty.
Also, we’re not doing post-exercise showers anymore. Fuck that shit. Just get in bed, sleep in a cocoon of your own stink and wake up nauseated. What are you doing in the morning that’s so great anyway? That requires a level of cleanliness? You already have a halfie and your hair looks like shit. A little hard water isn’t going to do dick.
We’re discussing ways to deal with the garbage on the stoop situation. The culprits have been identified as a bunch of fucking assholes who throw their garbage out of their cars. It’s not so much the garbage, but the caliber of garbage. We’re working on a strong ad campaign that will hopefully help convince litterers to consume cooler products such as condoms and drugs in order to leave more exciting garbage on the stoop.
The penis is still holding out. The balls…the balls have taken a turn.
Are we all set here? Good. I’ll take off this tie and see you all at a meet and greet in hell.