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Get Fit in 2013
Pro: huge internet bandwidth savings as instead of streaming pornography I could simply lift up my shirt, look at my abs and beat off to completion.
Con: as the resolution slowly proved it wouldn’t pan out, the awkwardness of the discussion I’d have to have with myself when I explained how I was less attracted would be very difficult.
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Stop Being Late
Pro: I would finally be able to indulge in the self-righteousness spewed by the consistently early, a venom I’ve only ever been on the receiving end of.
Con: the outrageous expense of a PSVita would be hefty, but required as I would be really bored waiting for people all the time.
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Reduce the Amount I Spend Eating at Restaurants
Pro: Fuck that.
Con: Yeah, fuck that. One of my few joys? Fuck you.
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Drink Less Coffee
Pro: A slight chance of more regular sleep patterns that do not result in fever dreams where I panic that I’m going to be a father and wake up in a fugue and check my bank account to panic further over the fact that no fucking way can I afford a baby.
Con: No longer will I be able to check my own heartbeat just by looking in a standard mirror after getting jacked up enough to go to work.
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Eat Healthier
Pro: When people come to my apartments they will think that I have a diet of some sort that could support a human body.
Con: Things that are healthy include: squash, raisins, and non-Wonder Bread.
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