Just the other day I was talking about some Batmen I had as a kid that were total shit. Mostly because I wanted a goddamn Batman. Perhaps, PERHAPS a Batman who had a jetpack of some kind or maybe a grappling hook thing. If worse came to worse, the shitty figure where you could take the head off and have (joy of joys, imagine the possibilities) a Bruce Wayne figure.
What I didn’t need was a Batman figure outfitted and equipped for each individual task he may come upon.
This is a complaint from the early 90’s. Okay, early to late-ish because I didn’t figure out about not playing with action figures until pretty late.
Only a few days ago, what did I see in Target?
Toxic Takedown Batman. My understanding here is that this Batman is well-suited (WINK! HAHAHAHAHA! DIEEEEEEEEEE!) to clean up toxic spills?
And why is all his equipment, designed to deal with toxic waste, also appearing to be MADE from toxic waste? That would be like having bags to pick up dogshit that were brown and had the texture of dogshit. It seems that would only serve to complicate the task at hand.
What, also, would you calculate the excitement of waste cleaning to be? Because I calculate it as being very low, but on the other hand I don’t recycle, so maybe I’m just not the key demographic for this.
What’s with the armor, though? Is the toxic waste attacking?
This is exactly what I was talking about. Although at least it sends a nice environmental message. It’s not as worthless as the sub-zero Batman I used to have.
Hey, wait a second…
Mother. Fuckers. They did it again. Blizzard Buster Batman.
There are times that I question whether maybe I’ll never accomplish my very few, very modest goals on this web site because I’ll have spent too much time joking around about abusing my imaginary son Dum-Dum or trashed any cred I have by spending what is the equivalent of a full-time job’s worth of hours talking into a microphone about the nuances of internet pornography.
This, however. This Blizzard Batman is an issue about which I’m passionate. Passionate enough to say “about which” as opposed to saying, “passionate about.”
Here’s the thing, toy companies:
I understand that you are stupid. At some point, I’m sure that going to work and selling a new generation of idiot kids the same stupid bullshit for decades will start to wear on a person. But what’s the other option, start doing something you actually give a fuck about? A job where you might actually be expected to produce results?
I know, that’s a silly idea.
So I figured out a long time ago that what you do is launch new Batman toys, and with each new line you make 12 different versions of Batman, hoping that there will be kids at home who say, “Golly, gotta go fight Mr. Freeze. C’mon, regular, legitimate, exactly what I want Batman figure. Let’s switch you out for Blizzard Blowjob Batman or whatever the fuck he’s called for the next ten minutes. Then it’s back to regular Batman, then Toxic Shock Batman, then Handi-Snacks.”
But this isn’t what’s happening.
What’s happening is kids like me settle for some second-rate Batman because everyone immediately buys the good ones. We buy them because Blizzard Banger Batman is better than No Batman Batman. Or we open it on Christmas, and we have to pretend to be okay with it. Nothing like being 7 and hiding tears because all you really wanted was a plain ol Batman.
So for the love of god, can you make more normal Batmen? Or at least make the modifications some kind of add-ons that can be removed so I could have a regular Batman when I wanted? Instead of one with snow goggles so that when I’m playing with it I won’t feel the need to have Batman explain to a group of thugs, “I was just beating the shit out of Mr. Freeze, so that’s why I’m wearing this outfit. I’ll change later….once I’m done TAKING OUT THE TRASH [POW!]”.
It’s a small request. See what you can do?