Okay, for those of you who are sick of goddamn Mega Man, this is the last day of Mega Man. I promise it’ll be back to balls and shit and dicks tomorrow.
The last thing to be discussed is how Mega Man is just about the most frustrating thing ever invented. Not since my brother held me down and punched me with my own fist have I been so angry at another boy.
This is sort of your typical Mega Man scene. Things seem pretty cool. Okay, the dangers seem obvious. You’ve got this tiger robot and some spikes. So here’s the question: How the fuck do you shoot this asshole? You could choose to jump down, in which case the tiger leaps across to kill you. You could choose to jump the spikes and attack the tiger, but because touching ANYTHING hurts you, you’ll probably be knocked backwards into the spikes and die. Plus, this tiger probably has the ability to shoot wildly in all directions at the same time. So basically, two seconds into the level, you’re fucked. But that’s merely the beginning.
I name this tiger robot, RoboAsshole.
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Okay, here’s another screen. Basically you have to kill these orbs and make all the junmps. Of course, every time you shoot an orb, it splits into two orbs. So you’re essentially fighting an infinite number of orbs here. And climbing and jumping. I get winded and scared climbing a typical ladder to pull leaves out of the gutter.
I name these multiplying robots Green ShitBlobs.
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This is a great one because not only do you die, but you are also humiliated. If I was going to be killed by a robot, I’d prefer he had a chrome skull for a head with red glowing eyes. Or at least a motherfucking gun. But instead I get killed by a kitty. Who shoots out yarn balls. He looks sort of angry, but I don’t think that really ups the ante too much for me.
I call this kitty robot, FuckFace after my poor kitty who unfortunately passed away when accidentally I took him to the vet and pretended that he was rabid so they would put him down.
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Some of the best, most enraging robots are designed to do nothing more than pick you up and drop you in spikes. While you dangle there, helplessly tapping the B button because somebody told you that it does something, this stupid little helicopter simply carries you a couple feet and drops you back in the spikes. You’d think it would be easier to just make a robot with a giant spike on it, but oh well.
I call this robot CopterMcShit
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Standing on solid ground is a luxury I never really appreciated. Ice, flames, and in this case, conveyor belts are far more common than hardwood or cement. I don’t think there’s one goddamn square-inch of carpet in this entire universe. What’s extra great, besides the fact that in addition to bad guys, the FLOOR is trying to kill you, is that the game wasn’t really ready to handle moving walkways. So then it slows WAY down. It’s like playing in slow motion, except its wy too slow, unpredictable, and you pop out of it completely without warning. So it’s like slow motion except without any of the benefits. Like smoking weed right before Thanksgiving dinner, you’re only prolonging a death that shouls at least be quick and painless.
I pretty much call the floor the floor.