Because of an awesome birthday gift (thanks, Nica!) I got the chance to play an old classic: Altered Beast.
For those who aren’t familiar, Altered Beast is the game Greg Clark had at his house on the Sega, but didn’t want to play all that much. So you used your first grade diplomacy skills to try and convince him that the two of you should play more Altered Beast and spend less time doing something stupid like being outside. Gross.
Anyway, I finished the game, and the ending consists of a series of cards, almost like a silent movie. Overall, it was pretty bizarre, and I’d like to share it with all of you.
Here’s the end. The golden wolfman managed to beat the holy shit out of the geriatric dark priest guy. You’d think it would have been pretty easy, but it turns out that it was an even match. I just felt the need to say that because here it looks kind of awful. Also, that Edvard Munch screaming guy makes a nice cameo in the lower right.
Then a light beam and a bird comes flying out. For the life of me, I couldn’t parse what this goddamn bird had to do with anything. Keep in mind this was a game where you beat up two-headed wolves in order to procure steroids. And yet, the bird was still kind of perplexing.
Ah, there we go. The…princess(?) we were rescuing. Success!
This is the moment I love that you don’t see in every game. The hero rescues the girl. Now, I think the hero has certain romantic expectations, which are based on the fact that he braved some pretty horrific shit, including boxing demons and gigantic, walking wasps. Not to mention a huge devil guy that threw his own regenerating heads as a weapon. I’m not saying that she OWES him, but I’m saying if someone has ever had sex with someone else for a reason other than attraction or affection, facing ultimate evil just to make a rescue seems like a decent one.
But that’s the thing. This wolfman or Mario or whoever shows up, and you never see the princess flinch. Maybe that’s why they’re good princesses. Calm under fire.
Then we have a kind of trip down altered memory lane. Hey guys, remember when I was a weird dragon that could shoot lightning? This doesn’t seem too bad, until…
Hey, remember when I was a paunchy bear guy? I’m not shitting on anyone who has the power to turn into a bear. But if you turned into a dragon that could shoot lightning, maybe tell that story BEFORE the bear who could do flips just like a Russian circus bear with a bad nicotine habit used as a training tool.
If you weren’t already thinking it, this shot in particular is a great time to take stock of your life and say, What the fuck was I just playing? Purple unicorn man with flowing black hair, huh?
And hey, why not get a family shot of the evil wizards? Who were apparently different guys as opposed to one evil guy. I can see why they’re dressed in different colors here as it must have been quite a chore to keep them separated as kids. I bet their mom has some HILARIOUS stories about them switching places on her when they were tykes.
And then we have the reuniting between daughter and father. And wolfman. This must be a weird part for the dad, too. Often it’s a bumbling king who asks some dude to rescue his daughter. And then she comes back, but frankly it must be a lifetime of trauma to overcome when your daughter is kidnapped right out from under you, and if that doesn’t make you feel powerless enough, you have to hire some other man to rescue her.
What? This is no laughing matter. Until…
THIS. So here we see the hero unzipping his costume, the princess taking off her wig, and the fake enemies hanging from strings. Soooo this was all a motion picture of some sort? I’m confused. Hang on, maybe the rest of the ending will shed some light.
Okay, not so much. Now we have some people in half-zipped costumes, evil priest still looking shitty, and everyone is hoisting celebratory beers.
There are two things potentially happening here.
A) The game is supposed to be real and this whole ending is just sort of a goof.
-or-
B) The entire game was just the shooting of a movie. A movie that makes no goddamn sense and consists mostly of a guy in a bear suit kicking multiples of the same three bad guy types over and over again, but a movie.
That’s a problem. It’s like Super Mario 2, which turns out to be All Just a Dream at the end. That’s fine, but by that logic, shouldn’t Mario also wake up whenever he dies, saying, “Well, I didn’t complete the dream, but I am fine and safe in my bed, which is pretty nice and makes me feel a lot better about this whole thing”?
If it’s just a goof, I suppose it’s sort of fun. And I can’t remember a lot of games that end with beers, so that’s something different at least.
It’s alright, fellas, I’d be embarrassed too.
