Pen Taped Up With a Plastic Flower and Jammed in a Flower Pot:
We’ve all seen this, right? A nice flower pot filled with stupid-looking pens? Which is a great idea except that you just spent an hour and a half, plus had to make a trip to Hobby Lobby (666!) in order to save $2 worth of pens. Good planning.
Taping a Plastic Spoon to the Pen:
I used to see this at restaurants all the time. The funny thing is that I thought the spoon was for some other purpose besides hanging onto a pen. I think what really chafes me about this is that the plastic spoon is ubiquitous, and it is ALWAYS taped onto a cheapo Bic pen, a pen that doesn’t so much require saving. I think the white Bic pen was invented precisely to be passed around the universe, and also for me to fill with Kool-Aid powder and smuggle into school like a drug mule as a child. But mostly the first thing.
Enormous Pen:
The other day I went to a restaurant, and their tactic was to have an absolutely asininely large pen. You had to hold it with a fist. I suppose it would be impossible to walk out with it in your pocket, or at least you’d have to be so out of it that you don’t question why it feels like you have an enormous erection in your front pocket at all times regardless of your level of happiness regarding the people you encounter. But is it worth it for me, the customer who has to be humiliated by signing a receipt for scrambled eggs with such a phallus?
Pen on a Chain:
The classic ploy. Here’s the problem. Sometimes the chain is too short, and that makes it impossible to sign things. You have to sign from the side sort of. Like you’re sneaking up on the document. Sometimes, however, the chain is far too long, and that means it’s swinging against the desk all day, and retrieving it is like deep sea goddamn fishing. Really, though, the issue is that you see this at the bank, and what you have is an expensive wooden desk, and stuck to the top with what’s basically a two-sided Hello Kitty sticker is a shitty pen. Not to mention that you can’t help but question a bank that feels like it can’t afford to lose a pen here and there. Not exactly inspiring confidence in my financial institution.