It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these.
I thought it might be fun to show off some of my newest face-fixing gear. I have a couple new items that are pretty rad.
Who is this delightful little fellow? you’re probably asking.
Or more likely, What in the hell is this delightful fellow?
Meet Bear. Not Billy Bear, not Bert the Band Bear. Just Bear. He likes to keep it simple.
Bear represents the newest variety of rubber bands that I get to hook onto some of the gear in my mouth. Supposedly, through a system of increasingly tough resistance bands, my face will become incrementally closer to being that of a real boy.
They have a variety of bands, each represented by a different animal. You can see we’ve got bear here. I have Parrots too, which I only have to wear in the evening.
Why someone would elect such a system I’m not sure. I guess it’s easy to remember. Instead of Resistance Band Level Xp1 I can just say that I’m running low on Bears. Or Parrots. I think my real issue with them is related to the images.
This is not a friendly bear, to me. Let’s start with his eyes. The vacant, blissed-out eyes of a junky with nothing to lose. And his clothing. Overalls that appear to be cobbled together from two separate pairs of overalls. Probably taken from two separate people he killed, or possibly created for him while he was working as a henchbear for Two-Face. Either way, two pairs of overalls are never torn asunder and then rejoined for any noble purpose.
Then we notice his posture. Running towards you, arms thrown open for a hug. Dear god.
I want everyone to imagine the most frightening street person they’ve ever seen. Not the guy who had the wherewithal to hold a cardboard sign. Not the one who had a dog companion he was capable of keeping alive. The worst, craziest one for whom it must seem a miracle that he’s managed to survive another day.
For me, this man is one I saw in Morocco. Pantsless, wearing only a sweater while vaguely trying to cover his genitals, this man was the ONLY thing I saw that managed to stop traffic during the entirety of the time I was there. His eyes wild, his hair wilder, the man seemed to be as confused by his own presence as anyone.
This is the man I imagine running towards me, throwing his arms open for a hug every time I see this bear. Just the last person on the Earth I would want to be hugged by, even if he might kind of need one.
Anyway, bag of rubber bands.
-ahem-
Now, you may just be wondering how one gets these rubber bands onto his own teeth.
Well, it’s not always easy. Especially when you consider that I normally have an irrational fear of being shot in the face with a rubber band, and now I have a very rational fear of being shot INSIDE OF the face with a rubber band.
Fortunately, I have this little silver tool. It doesn’t have a name yet. I’ve been calling it Hooker because it has the hook end, but then I realized that most people, on hearing “Hooker” think not of a veteran police sergeant, but rather the kind of lady who is routinely hassled by a veteran police sergeant.
What’s really great is that it came in such a nifty case.
I also discovered that Nifty has a sexual connotation that is a little on the odd side. Add a dot org to the end sometime, preferably when you’re not at work. But again, this was an ACCIDENT.
What’s so…spiffy about the case?
Well, first of all its color. It’s not often that a man of my age gets the opportunity to carry around such a shade. When I pull it out, I can only imagine the women in the room. They’re thinking, “What could possibly be in such a…nifty case?” [note: they are using “nifty” in the sex way because they are so damn excited about the situation]
The only thing I ever had to worry about was forgetting it at home. What would I do then? How would I impress people? Nobody is going to believe a story about how I have this totes NIFTY case…I just left it at home, see.
Ah, but it has a very handy keychain attachment. So as long as I have my keys, I can also be assured that I have with me the key to any social situation in which I might find myself.
To summarize, things are going great. I’m having night terrors about a crazed bear in overalls, I have learned a lot about weird sex stuff that no one should know, and I now find it almost impossible to lose my keys as they are attached to an object the side of a small vibrator.
The future? Bright. Shades bright.