1 Blunt Scissors
So they’re not even going to teach you how to use regular scissors? Well, I don’t think I’ll be wasting moolah on two blunt pieces of metal. I’ll just rubberband a couple butter knives together. We have way more of those than we’ll ever need.
2 Regular Pencils (no mechanical pencils)
Two pencils for the whole fucking year? Is this some kind of a test? Can you even buy just two pencils at a time? No son of mine is going in with two goddamn pencils. You better be writing a lot more shit than that. If you’re not, you’ll use up the extra lead writing me letters explaining just what the hell it is you’re doing in school all damn day.
2 Boxes of Crayons (8 count)
Okay, so two pencils, two BOXES of crayons. Is it too late to reconsider this whole thing? Maybe buy you a season pass to Six Flags instead?
1 Package Thick Washable Markers-8 count
Do you think it’s cool if we get permanent instead? Because I could use some permanent ones. I ain’t going down to aisles here if it’s not absolutely necessary.
1 Set of Watercolor Paints (8 colors)
Yeah right. Nice try.
2 Bottles of Glue (4 oz.)
Or one stapler. Believe me, when you’re an office drone like your father, you won’t be using a whole lot of glue. Staples, those you need to learn how to use.
4 Folders with Pocket
I mean, I went all the way through school by just dumping everything in my backpack. It’s great because you can really kill a lot of time digging through all the old shit. Plus, people pity you while they watch you dig. It’s win-win.
1 Spiral Notebook (60-100 pages)
60-100 is a big range. An amount or twice as much? What is your teacher’s name? I don’t think she know what she’s doing.
2 Large Tissue Boxes
We don’t even buy tissues for the home. So forget it. I’ll be damned if I buy something that makes an elementary school classroom nicer than my own home.
1 Box Zip Lock Bags (Boys-Quart)
1 Box Zip Lock Bags (Girls-Gallon)
I’m confused as to why girls are going to need bags that are 4 times as large. What’s going in here? What is it that elementary school girls have 4 times as much of as elementary school boys? What in the hell is going on at this school?
1 Backpack
Good. Well, that’s covered. You can have my old Iron Man backpack. I’m more into Ghost Rider now.
1 Change of Clothes
Look, how about if you piss yourself or get covered in vomit, you just come home. That’s what grownups do. I don’t get to pee myself and calmly walk into my boss’ office and retrieve some clothes I set aside. I go home.