Musket Days:
Okay, I think I got this. So you open this thing. What’s a frizzen? Okay, never mind. You open this shit and dump out all the shit. Then you get out a cartridge and bite off the end? That’s going to be hard. I have some orthodontic stuff going on here. It’s cool. I’ll just rip it off. Doesn’t look as cool, but I’ll make do. Okay, then pour some powder here? Then the rest in the barrel?
You know what? Fuck this shit. I’m writing new instructions. Want to hear?
One: Get a musket.
Two: Grab that bastard by the barrel.
Three: Swing that bastard like a son of a bitch right into some bastard son of a bitch’s head.
Old West Days:
Let me get this straight. Pistols at dawn? As in right after the sun comes up? I don’t understand. That can’t be the best time to do this thing. I lose, and then I got up early as hell just to get shot? Or I win, then I have a whole day of just sitting around, thinking about how I almost got killed? And then how I killed a guy? Back and forth all day like that? I’m thinking more like 7 PM. That would be nice. The evenings are really nice this time of year. Also, what is the punishment if the other dude cheats? Let’s say he takes ten tiny paces and then turns around early and shoots me? I mean, what can you do at that point? Even if you guys shoot him that doesn’t do a whole lot for me. I doubt I’ll be laying there, gut shot, saying, Well, just so long as I go to a painful grave knowing justice has been served. Not a great system, guys.
Gangster Times:
This gun is pretty sweet. I like this round cartridge thing. Pretty slick. But do I have to keep it inside a violin case? I feel like it’s obvious that I absolutely do not play the violin. If I have to, if this is a must do kind of thing, can someone at least give me a couple lessons? That way is anyone asks I’ll have some idea of what to say and not sound like a complete tool? I mean, what the fuck is rosin? I know that’s a thing. I don’t know what it’s for. Let’s be a little more thorough here, huh fellas?
World War II:
Will I carry the flamethrower? Let me ask that another way. Will I carry a big explodey tank on my back that’s heavy as hell so that I can burn someone alive? No thanks. You know what? I brought this Tommy Gun. I even have a violin case for it already. Is that how the army works? Is it like a BYOB thing but with guns? It would save you a ton of money if you let me do it that way.
Gangsta Times:
What’s with holding guns sideways? Confession, my previous job involved a lot of typing, so I have a little taste of carpal tunnel. I think I can perform my job here doing gangsta shit just fine, but it would probably be easier for me to shoot with the gun straight up and down. Or if you let me wear my wrist braces, that would also work fine. I could make them look more gangsta, maybe spray paint them with a nice 8ball or glue some of those Homies figures to them or something.
Modern Era:
Can you believe we still have to reload this shit? I mean, what year is it? I can’t believe we’re not hovering above these dum-dums in jetpacks, spraying them with laser fire like Contra guys or something. What a letdown.
The Future:
Hovering above these dum-dums and spraying them with laser fire is cool. I just wish that they hadn’t developed lasers in neon orange first. Not my favorite color.