You guys remember this crap?
Something about the commercials for this sold me and just about every kid I knew that Kix were awesome. Kix were not awesome. They were shit. I assume they still are shit.
There was something about that tagline, Kid Tested, Mother Approved that really resonated. For me, it was probably because my own mom wasn’t into buying “sugary” (exciting) cereal. That commercial, though, it convinced me that maybe, just so long as my mom didn’t know about the commercial too, that we were all going to pull off a big scam here and get an awesome cereal in the house on the sneak.
I don’t think it worked. She seemed aware that if there was any cereal I was interested in, it couldn’t be good, even if the name didn’t have any of those key words in it like “frosted” or “cookie” or “lucky.”
After the disappointment of Kix, I got to wondering, what kid test could they have possibly passed?
Flavor?
No way in hell. Unless kids are into eating anything that is in spheres, flavor be damned, I can’t imagine this crap selling on taste. It’s like sawdusty corn. In ball shape.
Shape?
While we’re on the topic, what foods are good in ball form? Like at Christmas time, they make those cheese balls? The ones with the nut shavings on the outside? What the hell is that? How is that an attractive presentation of cheese. Even the log, which is sort of round, is kind of repulsive.
Color?
MMmmm, beige. Nothing makes me hungrier than a nice beige ball of corn.
Box?
No mascot surfing down a mountain on some kind of 4-wheeler skateboard while wearing a bandana and holding a bowl of cereal and shooting a handgun at the skies? Yeah, then no thanks.
Name?
The X in there should have made it cool. Kix. I don’t know. It’s just not cool. I think because when you say it, you almost can’t help but pronounce it like a small child, your voice coming up an octave for the I in the middle there. Try if you will to imagine a man’s man, a John Goodman saying that word. Impossible.
There are other tests which seem to prove whether or not something is a cereal, however, that Kix DO pass.
-If you step on one after it falls on the kitchen floor, does it shatter into one million shards? -YES!
-Can if be poured into a bowl? -Yes.
-Does it look appropriately cereal-y stacked on a spoon? -Sure.
Okay, so it’s probably a cereal. Just not a good one. And this kid testing business is horseshit. But what did you expect? They ARE kids.