-It’s perfectly safe to drink out of a can or bottle after a bottle rocket has been launched from it. It tastes horrible, but you’re in no real danger. Hell, the chemicals in booze are probably worse than combustables anyway, right?
-If you go to the park and lay out a blanket to watch fireworks, have a great time. But bring a blanket besides the one you use nightly. Or not, depending on how you feel about sleeping covered in winged ants.
-Using those long fireplace matches is a safer way to light off fireworks. But everyone is going to make fun of you. Burns heal relatively quickly with a little aloe, but the wicked burn of a crack about your manliness is never healed, not by any amount of aloe. Not even none aloe.
-Pace yourself with the drinking. We’re all having fun, but nobody wants to pass out before it’s even dark. On the other hand, you can also not pace yourself at all, pass out REALLY early, and then wake up in time to have your senses assaulted by fireworks that you watch with your hands over your ears and your sunglasses on.
-If a fire is started, don’t panic.
-If said fire continues to grow unchecked and all of a sudden you can see parts of the inside of your house while standing outside, panic is not only warranted but suggested. The kind of raw, naked panic that results in people still unable to avoid making fun of you despite the fact that you lost everything.
-If you purchase a lawn chair that you don’t really need after that day, simply fold it up the way it’s meant to be folded and insert it into the sewer.
-Pets hate the 4th of July. Hate it like poison. If you have pets at home, just be prepared to spend the night spooning with them in the bath tub. Remember to take frequent walk breaks so that you don’t cramp up. Or ask your vet if they’ve made a pill that makes a dog deaf for about 8 hours. He’ll almost certainly tell you No, but at least now the idea’s in his mind for next year.