Congratulations on purchasing this tent. What an exciting day for all of us. Hopefully you have many years of camping joy ahead of you with this tent as your constant companion. Or possibly a few months of sleeping in the park because things are not going so hot, life-wise, for you. If that’s the case, please take a piece of advice and get an office job so you can steal a whole box of Sharpies before you do the whole homeless thing. This will make sign creation much easier.
Normally a tent instruction will say something about setting up the tent before you get out to camping. Try it out at home so that it’s familiar and you aren’t setting it up for the first time when you’re bourbon-ed-up and your eyes are full of smoke. But hey, let’s be realistic. If you were the kind of person who did that sort of shit, a planner-aheader, you would have hotel money and wouldn’t be in this fix in the first place. So welcome, my drunken brothers and sisters. Don’t forget to sleep on your side if you’ve already been “camping” for several hours.
The first step is removing the tent from the bag. Not too hard. Just pull all the shit out. HOWEVER, please do not forget to take the tent bag and chuck it as far into the woods/lake/river/other campsite as you can, depending on your camping situation. That bag is worthless. Once the tent comes out, it stays out. It ain’t never going back in that tiny little bag.
The next thing is to figure out where your head is going and to put that part uphill. I don’t know why they can’t just clearly label these goddamn things. “Head Goes Here” Is that so hard? Are we worried that the insects will figure out how to read and attack that portion of the tent with a verve never before seen? No? Okay, maybe next time. Or maybe you could just do it when you get home.
Now that you’ve got your tent laid out, let’s get out the poles.
The poles are basically very long, thin lies. They look like metal, but when someone steps on one it will be completely ruined. They appear far too long, and they totally are. It takes the strength of ten men to put one in place properly. So I hope you’re camping with ten very strong men. It’s okay. I’m not here to question anyone’s lifestyle choices.
Once you’ve got the poles in place, it’s time to nail down the stakes. Stakes are basically large metallic nails that are best used by hitting them with a mallet until they bend to shit, then throwing them into the woods and yelling at the skies.
If you ever decide to purchase replacement stakes, just remember to ask if the stakes are harder than the ground. Because if they are softer than the ground, they will never ever work ever.
Finally, let’s get the rain fly on there. The rain fly is essentially the tent that goes over the tent to protect it from the rain. Which is what the tent does for your body. Try not to think about it too much as the rain fly is very necessary and should not be thrown into the woods with the stakes, although cursing the skies is still an option on the table.
Once you’ve got your tent set up, it’s my suggestion to leave the doors unzipped so that it can fill with sand and insects while you stand back and admire what a good job you’ve done. Feel free to brag. Nobody else will know that it’s slowly filling with the local wildlife. That’s a secret to be kept between you and the beetles.