Today, for the fifth or so time, I saw someone using a mobility scooter with someone else RIDING ON HIS LAP. Guys, not a motorcycle. Not a Schwinn with pegs on the back. It’s a goddamn scooter used by someone who can’t walk. I mean, there are certain things that appear like rides, but aren’t. You know how they lower the casket into a grave with that machine? That’s ridelike, but you wouldn’t just straddle the casket and ride it down into oblivion. Not okay.
There used to be this kid in my neighborhood who had a motorized wheelchair. I don’t know what exactly was going on with him, but his feet were bundled like little mummies and his wheelchair was always tilted back, like he was a boss in an office carefully considering an offer. Every time I saw this kid, there was another kid with him standing on the back somehow, just riding along.
I get it, why walk when you can take a ride? But try saying that out loud to someone in a goddamn wheelchair and see if maybe they could come up with an answer for you.
Just get a damn bike and ride alongside. Alongside. NOT by attaching a tow rope and letting the wheelchair pull you along. This kid isn’t just taking a break, sitting in a motorized chair because it’s less work. Goddamn.
Here’s a quick checklist of other things you should not be doing. I haven’t observed any of this, but I imagine that it’s happening somewhere as we speak.
-Do not tie a string to your tooth and tie the other end to a mobility scooter and then have someone drive away to pull your tooth out.
-Do not use a mobility scooter to supervise someone who is on a riding mower.
-Do not lazily dangle a leg from your mobility scooter, slowly pushing along as you go.
-Do not break any sort of finish line tape while riding a mobility scooter.
However, an exception can be made for the scooters available at Target. These are gigantic, bright red, and nobody questions you about using it. These may be rides. Research results are inconclusive at the moment.