Dear Camp,
I am desperately looking for a place to unload my son for a good part of the summer. This is ostensibly because I think he should make friends and do things in the woods, but let’s be serious. How am I supposed to be crushing that sweet summer poontang throughout June and July with a kid hanging around, amiright?
Let’s face it, this really isn’t that important. I mean, what’s he going to be doing there all summer? Getting infections from lake water? Slowly disassembling a moth over a period of several days until he finds the insect’s breaking point?
I do, however, have some questions that I feel need to be addressed, based on some other camps I’ve become aware of. I’ve never actually been to any kind of camp, so my knowledge is pretty limited to what I’ve seen in films and the Nickelodeon series Salute Your Shorts. You patience is appreciated.
-For starters, has your camp ever experienced where someone was killed in a boating accident, which through a series of very bizarre events resulted in a series of murders perpetrated by a transgender teen? If so, what safeguards have been put in place, both to prevent boating accidents and horrific killing sprees?
-Is this some kind of fat camp? If so, how much weight would my son have to pack on in order to qualify? Could he simply stuff his shirt with a pillow and do a John Candy impression all summer?
-Just to clarify, this isn’t any kind of space camp, correct? He won’t be enjoying any Gravitrons or jumpsuits with his name on them? Because that was MY dream, and I’ll be goddamned if he’s going to beat me to my own dream.
-Are kids having any sort of sexual awakening at this camp? Because I think his mom would be pissed if he had his sexual awakening in a broom closet that was filled with ants. Or maybe not. I’m not sure. Let me get back to you on that one. While I’m doing that, could you describe the most likely area that a boy might have this sort of experience on your grounds? Some sort of porch swing, perhaps?
-My son is admittedly nervous about showering with other campers. He asked me if he could just go the whole summer without showering. I said No. Then I saw his butt. So…can he just skip the showering maybe?
Thank you for your time. I’m already inadequately packing his bag as I finish this letter.
-Pete