If you’ve used Twitter, you’ve been followed by pornbots. All in all, being “followed by pornbots” doesn’t sound like such a tragedy. Let’s cue the Benny Hill music and get it on!
But it’s not nearly as exciting as being chased by robotic sex fiends. No, it’s really more about them somehow trying to send you to a weird website. I’ve never actually visited any of these web sites, not because I’m afraid of a virus or because I’m ashamed, but because I fall in love SO FAST.
A lot of these bots, though, introduce themselves a little awkwardly. As a service to the world of online pronography, from which I’ve taken so, so, much, here are a few helpful editing suggestions for pornbots who follow me.
Eh, not really. I mean, I like a naughty message as much as the next guy…actually, wait a minute, no I don’t. I don’t think I’ve ever even gotten one. How many Tweeters who use the hashtag #MassEffect are getting all kinds of babes wanting to get naughtitized? I only know one who does it, ME, and I don’t get any, so the answer is zero. That’s math.
So if you’re looking to trick me, you need to be a little more hard to get, I think. I would suggest the following edit:
“Any guys want to cam? I’m in the mood for someone to try REALLY HARD to get me to like them, and if they are successful they might, MIGHT get to see a nipple or something. Tweet me with your favorite Avenger and we can start chatting.”
Huh. I guess power is sexy(?) The problem with power is that it’s sexy(?) but not in that way where I get confused in a horny haze and click on something I really shouldn’t have. More of a way where I think, Man, someday I’m gonna marry that Jessica from Twitter and get out of this one-horse town (which makes no sense because I think nowadays the fewer horses a town has, the more urban, and more moneyed. But whatever).
What you need is to trick people right off so they get in that horny fog and make the mistake of clicking your shit. My suggested edit:
“Hey guys, you ever finish having hot sex and then want to talk business as you put on a silk robe and gaze out a penthouse window onto the ants below? That’s what I do. Let’s have that sex, you and me, and also the riches. There’s something for poor people and horny people, which is all people.”
Now that’s just lazy. Also, I’m pretty sure that “cumshot” is not hyphenated, so all you’re doing is prepetuating the damaging stereotype that people who like to be “shot” with cum are dum-dums. Not cool, Gaylene, not cool. Also, Gaylene sounds like someone’s grandma who owns a farm. Not that there aren’t sexy possibilities there for the right kind of person, but it doesn’t look like your niche.
You have cumshot pics, so my suggestion is to just be upfront about it. Talk about the elephant in the room before it blows through its trunk and scares the holy bejeezus out of everyone. My suggested edit:
“Hi! Okay, I have cumshot pics. I know what you’re thinking, ‘Big deal, lady. Who doesn’t? I have a bunch of myself in wallet size right now!’ First of all, YOU are so FUNNY! Secondly, these are different because I’ve used good lighting, a professional photographer, and really did it up. This isn’t some weirdo of unidentifiable ethnic origin in one of those janitor closets with the mop sink off to the side. These are nice, like throwback pics if people did this stuff in the 50’s. What the hell, huh?”
Wait…I’M a funny guy! Holy shit!
Nice try. Here’s a tip: @PattonOswalt, kay?
Pretty clever start, though. Here’s my edit:
“Looking for funny guys. And I HATE famous guys. They’re so stuck up! And they always want to bang on the first date. One time Bradley Cooper tried to have sex with me, but I said, Sorry, too famous. So if you’re funny and have, like, 8 followers, message me!”
Wait a second, you just ripped off Tatiana! Have you no shame? Seriously, I’m really only interested in watching weird masturbation videos of ladies who can write their own descriptions, thanks.