On the Front Porch:
I saw someone doing this the other day. I heard the sound while walking past his house, and I was thinking “How the fuck can I hear someone clipping their nails right now?” The answer, of course, was that the motherfucker was OUTSIDE, standing on the porch, clipping away. I guess it’s tempting to do it there because at least they won’t fly off and disappear, but I think my main fear is that someday I’ll see a bird carry them away in its beak to build a nest, and then baby birds will use a huge, yellowed thumbnail to scratch their backs. Sickening.
At Your Desk:
I probably don’t have to explain why this is not right, do I? Yes, I do. Because some of you are doing it. People, this is why your work has a bathroom. That’s where you go to do all the stuff you do at work that you can’t do at your desk. Clip your nails. Eat a tuna sandwich. Fart away! Everyone else is. Consider the bathroom your own room to demolish in whatever way you see fit.
Over the Bathroom Sink
Seems good, but let me tell you, the day you drop something down the sink and have to remove the trap, you will regret your hubris. It’s like a porcupine made of scabs died in there.
Sitting on a Bench in the Mall
Yes. Because sitting on a bench in the mall, waiting for someone, is the worst way you can spend any moment of your life. Remind those who make you wait in the mall that they will be embarrassed for their inconsiderate inclusion of you.