If you end up with a hole in your pocket, simply stick and entire pack of gum in the pocket and then put it through a cycle in the washer and dryer. You’ll never have to worry about that fucker being open again!
If your dry clean only sweater is starting to smell a little stale, simply apply a quick swipe of deodorant to your neck!
An ink stain can be taken out of clothing by soaking it with lemon juice and leaving the garment in the sun. Or just leave it. Fuck it. You’re just going to die anyway!
If your child is really attached to wearing a Teenage Mutant Turtles hat that’s starting to get a little funky, ignore all the warnings and throw it into the washing machine. The design will disappear and your son will be crushed pretty much forever. Plus, he’ll learn an important lesson about entropy. Thanks, mom!
If there’s a little bit of stink in your shoes and you’re afraid you might have to take your shoes off at someone’s house, just don’t go to their house. Your real friends would never make you take your shoes off!
The belt buckle pictured above is appropriate to wear to your grandfather’s funeral. Also, it will be the most memorable part!