Here are some selections from a favorite catalogue. It’s no SkyMall, but it has some amazingly shitty stuff, plus some of the most awkward models of all time.
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Ah, nothing like some graduation shit to round out the season of wearing black shower curtains outside to show that you are smart. You know what looks smart? A suit. You know what doesn’t look smart? A plastic sheet with a head hole. And how long are people supposed to keep these gifts. At some point you graduated three years ago and it’s time to get over it.
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I used to worry that I wouldn’t feel classy with a beer coozie. But now I don’t have to worry about that. Also, thanks for suggesting that a groomsmen use this at a wedding reception. If people are drinking from cans of beer at a wedding reception, they don’t need to worry about keeping cans cold because they can just let them rest in the crik.
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Nothing says party like a dressed-up trach can. Dressing up a garbage can in skirt is sort of like laying carpet over a dirt floor.
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Is the whoopee cushion company planning on changing their graphic design any time soon? Seriously, it’s been this same sexually ambiguous character since the goddamn thing was invented. Also, the color is perfect for hiding in all my burnt pink furniture.
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Finally, a product that actively reminds us what it’s like to jam a pipe in a dolphin’s skull and drink its brain out.
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God’s shield: 89-cents, made of cardboard. The metaphorical implications are astounding. Wow, thanks, god!
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If I get these, do you think they are okay to eat at church instead of those terrible body crackers? At least this way you have something to look forward to besides an old man pouring a cup in your face.
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Could somebody tell this fucking idiot what to do with his arms? You don’t have a pineapple or something he can hold?
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In case you can’t read the tag, a testimonial from one woman says what a hit these were at her son’s second birthday party. I bet. I bet it was a real hit right across his stupid face from his stepdad on the couch. Happy birthday, you shit. Seriously, who would want a bunch of kids to run around hitting each other with non-fatal bats all day?
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Or maybe this little psycho will come after you. Could they get his eyebrows any higher? I bet those teeth are razor sharp.
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Do you think they got the one brown kid to do this one just so it isn’t racist? Isn’t it racist anyway, though? Wouldn’t this be like if there were a song called “Walk Like a Chinaman” and the dance involved using your fingers to slant your eyes and hitting a gong?
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Okay, look at those faces. Are these two enjoying the bible or getting ready to fuck?
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Is there a specific reason that this dog and the stand are digitally added to the picture? Does nobody know a dog in this whole company?
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Unless you are buying this in hopes that it deflates and smothers your baby, it’s a waste of money. Have fun storing it for three months and then jamming a huge monkey in the dumpster. And if your average balloon has a teaspoon of human spit in it, this must contain about a gallon.