Thanks for staying with us. We hope this bedside binder will help you figure out what to do while you’re in town.
Dining
Lucky you, your hotel lobby is home to one of the best restaurants ever. I know what you’re thinking. “What are the odds that in one of the largest, most vibrant cities in the world, that I would be sleeping above one of its best restaurants?” Well, the odds are low, which is why we mentioned how lucky you are. Seriously, almost better than Applebee’s.
Telephone
I can’t believe you didn’t bring your own phone. What a rube. Okay, well, go ahead and use ours. Good news: local (within hotel) calls are free. Extra local (NOT within hotel) are pretty much incalculable. Honestly, you’d be better off buying a pay as you go phone from the nearest Target. Just use it for the week, call some illicit hookups, then throw it off the pier.
Bar
Remember what I said about the restaurant? The bar is even better. Never will you have an opportunity to drink with more old whites who are as scared of leaving the lobby as they are of wearing something besides a navy blue suit.
Transportation
You’re pretty much on your own. However, the hotel is happy to call a cab for you, and our oddly dressed doorman will totally open the cab door, creating a portal to the scariest situation of your entire life. His name is Ron, and he may be the last person you see before your death.
Refreshments
Can you believe that we filled a little fridge with tiny boozes? And for the price, they must be awesome. Try and see! Seriously, try them. Maybe they’re not that good, but maybe they are. You’ll never know until you try. So try them. NOW.
Water
You could use tap water, or you could use your body to take you out and use a convenience store. OR you could crack open a $10 bottle of water with a little tag across the top. Let me tell you, this thing is worthless except for convincing a date you tricked up to your room that you are rich as fuck. If you’re looking for someone to believe you are richer than there is sense on the planet, crack that fucker right in front of his or her face.