Welcome to shopping cart driver’s ed. My name is Pete and I will be your instructor.
I recognize a lot of you. Lady With About 4 Too Many Kids From the Grocery Store. Weird Asian Guy in Pink Shirt from Home Depot. Let me reassure you, the goal of this class is to help you become normal members of society, to understand the basic rules that govern us all.
Okay, let’s get started.
First, let’s talk about parking your cart. When parking a cart there are three rules to decide where:
1. Is it the fuck out of my way?
2. Could you please get it the fuck out of my way?
3. Get the fuck out of my way.
Normally we wouldn’t have to go through this, but I have seen how you all behave. No, it is not acceptable to park your cart perpendicular to the direction of travel through the aisle. Things are built a certain way for a reason. There’s a reason you don’t try and enter a vagina with a sideways penis. Doy.
Okay, moving right along. Something that is easy (apparently) to forget is that when you are standing on one side of an aisle with your cart and your spouse is picking up Flavor Blasted Goldfish from the other side, you are effectively blocking the entire goddamn aisle. There are several solutions to this problem:
1. Murder your spouse.
2. Suicide.
3. Murder/Suicide.
There are also some solutions which don’t involve murder. If you’re interested in those, text “Fuck Yourself” to 4387874938### for more tips.
Finally, let’s talk about putting your cart away.
Listen, you lazy piece of shit, the fucking cart corral is about ten feet from your car, no matter where you park. NO, it is not acceptable to just set it somewhere where you can feel that the slightest breeze is going to send it careening down an embankment. NO, setting it right next to a goddamn car doesn’t count as putting it away. And NO, setting it in the center of the closest parking spot in town does not count as putting it away.
So, just remember: Fuck yourself, stay home, starve, die.