-Huge gorilla dressed in red bow tie, trained to deliver box of chocolates while rollerskating.
-Huge man with sawed-off shotgun and rollerBLADES who will be hiding nearby in case huge gorilla goes berserk. He will also wear a red bow tie, preferably.
-Huge garbage bag with hearts on it for gorilla disposal.
-Rose petals to scatter on bed.
-Heart template to ease in creation of heart shape with rose petals.
-Penis entering vagina template to ease in creation of penis entering vagina shape with rose petals just in case the heart doesn’t make things crystal clear.
-Cherry Robitussin for creation of Valentine’s-colored cocktails.
-Reservation for horse-drawn carriage.
-Practice in saying “I do not understand English” with a thick Russian accent, just in case carriage driver decides that he/she would like to be a part of our date and discuss either the exciting world of driving horses in city streets or professional basketball.
-Condoms.
-Discreetly-placed booklight that allows one to put on condom with just enough light to make sure the goddamn thing isn’t inside-out.
-Romantic soundtrack to cover the sorts of sounds that either make me horny or indicate that I am using a plunger to get rotted chicken out of the trap underneath the sink.