Things I am the Michael Jordan Of

I am the Michael Jordan of putting on my sweats backwards and pinching my crotch.

I am the Michael Jordan of growing spiders under a pile of clean laundry somehow.

I am the Michael Jordan of playing Michael Jordan on Jordan Versus Bird.

I am the Michael Jordan of setting drinks right on the edge of the table so that even though I worry about it and think about moving them, I don’t and then I knock them over.

I am the Michael Jordan of using Gorilla Glue to make major structural repairs to my apartment.

I am the Michael Jordan of having doors opened into my car in a parking lot and then standing on my tiptoes and looking around like I might see the people who did it driving away and have just enough time to shake my fist at them.