Okay, so first I heard about the idea of growing a mustache for No Shave November, which I guess is supposed to “raise awareness of male health issues.” Anytime I hear the phrase “raise awareness” I call bullshit. I’m AWARE of tons of shit that I don’t care about, and I’ll take the reins on my own business. If I want to raise awareness about my personal health, I’ll vomit in your sink. Trust me, you’ll be plenty aware.
So now I found out about Decembeards, which is basically the same thing except with unkempt beards.
Then there’s Manuary, in which Decembeards are supposed to be sculpted into tamer, regular beards.
Alright, enough with this horseshit. Believe me, there are guys who like fucking around with their facial hair who will take any excuse, so let’s not pretend it’s the equivalent of joining Mothers Against Drunk Driving..
Here’s how this should work:
Mustaches: Sam Elliot.
Beards: Lumberjacks and non-military sailors.
Unkempt Beards: Nobody.
And just so we can make sure that we don’t get any other bullshit months sneaking in there, here is a list of themes I’m declaring for the rest of the year that should help men be LESS shitty.
Forty Dollar February: Spend forty dollars on a haircut. I know you THINK that you like Fantastic Sam’s, but that’s only because that hairspray they use is really a memory-erasing fog.
March Yourself Down to a Clothing Store: This is a store that sells clothing exclusively, a place that makes its way selling clothes instead of by selling $5.99 copies of Shrek 2.
April Showers: Clean out your entire shower. SCRUB. IT.
MAYbe Try a Non-Logo Shirt: Seriously. Try a sweater that doesn’t tell me who made it from me just looking at it. This is how people dress on television.
JUNEed to Cut Them Nails: Probably.
Button-fly July: It’s a classic, gents.
Austere August: This month, you do not go out in sweats, tracksuits, or anything that lives in that Venn diagram slice where the gym rat fashion circle meets the Soprano fashion circle.
Septopber: Have a trusted female friend come over and tell her to throw away one hat that you own, the one she hates most.
Octditioner: Try using conditioner. It takes less time than maintaining a silly facial hair scheme.