What They’re Saying When You Have a Cold

Everyone at Work:  Do not give it to me.

Doctor:  Despite the fact that medicine has progressed to the point that we can literally cut out a piece of your liver and grow a whole new liver, we cannot cure the combination of symptoms that everyone gets when they are sick.  However, we can advise you on resting and drinking water, which if you did that would have prevented you from getting this cold in the first place.

Medicine Bottle:  Take me, at most, far less than is required.  Also, no alcohol.

Alcohol:  Being drunk and sick is almost the same as being drunk and not sick.  Drink all of me.

The Sandman:  You would like to sleep more than ever?  In that case, no sleep.

The Television:  I have hidden all of the things you’re always thinking about watching.  Enjoy Hoda Kotb.