Foreword to the 9th Edition:
Mom-
Because snow and falling branches have knocked out the power at your place for the next couple days, it’s cool if you stay at my place.
In order to make this transition as smooth as possible, I would appreciate it if you would read this handy translation guide.
Sincerely,
Your Son
Original Text:
“Let me just do a little tidying up before you get here.”
Translation:
“I’m almost positive that there are personal lubricants on the headboard that are 100% visible from most of the room.”
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Original Text:
“Help yourself to the cookies on the table.”
Translation:
“That is a Pepperidge Farms variety set, and it’s meant to be eaten one cookie of each variety at a time, not all of one, then all of another. I don’t care if you take a dump in the bath tub, but eating these the wrong way is something I find extremely upsetting.”
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Original Text:
“Stay as long as you like.”
Translated Text:
“You raised me right enough to let you stay as long as necessary, but not SO right that it doesn’t start to wear me down.”
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Original Text:
“It’s funny. We lived together for 20 years, and then not for a while. Weird how fast you get used to different stuff.”
Translation:
“I don’t know how I masturbated in your home before, but if I don’t get my surreptitious beatoff stride back soon I might find myself in the danger zone for severe, SEVERE testicular overflow damage.”