Greetings Owners of Fast and Medium-Fast Food Restaurants,
For a long time we have held a tenuous peace, us the thirsty customers, you the owners who thirst only for money.
But you’ve crossed the line.
No longer is it acceptable to use a different, smaller, far inferior disposable cup for customers who want water.
It ends today.
For years, when we’ve waited in line and paid the appropriate amount, then had the audacity to not ask to buy a COKE, or a PEPSI, these liquids that are turning us all into worthless mush people, you’ve given us the tiniest, shittiest cup of all time.
Your shitty, salty food requires far more water than this and you know it. This isn’t even enough water to drown even the smallest of babies with the worst swimming instincts. This is a sip, a Fuck You to the thirsty of the world.
Qdoba, you charge six or seven dollars for a burrito. I know not ordering a Coke fucks up your profit margin, but I’m not doing it. And if that’s a problem, you know what my suggestion is? Quit providing free goddamn lemon wedges. There, problem solved. How many cups can you buy for the price of one lemon?
Which brings me to my pledge. My Lemon Pledge, if you will.
From now on, when I go to a fast or medium-fast food proprietor, and you feel the need to give me a bullshit water cup, I will retaliate by using, nay, OVERusing all of your other free resources.
Free knives and forks? I probably need about 40! Napkins? Fill the bag, friend! Salt and Pepper? These thing spill ALL THE TIME!
I don’t know that you can put a price on human dignity. But you, sirs and maams, have underpriced mine. And now that I know it’s worthless, I have no problem sacrificing whatever shred remains by taking home a ziploc full of ketchup pumped directly into the bag.
When you are prepared to make with the regular glass, 12 ounces or greater, you let me know. I’ll be at home, using your napkins for my household cleaning tasks.
Best,
H.S.