Let’s see what we’ve got here…
Flag Football. I don’t know. I don’t want my precious Dum-Dum getting hurt. By strangers. That’s really more of a family time thing.
Basketball. I just don’t think I could bear to watch the referee. A grown man dressed like Foot Locker, running up and down the boards with a bunch of kids? That’ll turn your stomach in that, “What am I doing with my life?” kind of way.
Hockey. Great, yeah. They managed to find a sport with more equipment than you need to weld. I won’t be infuriated at all when he quits after one month and we’ve got $800 worth of shit taking up porn space in the garage.
Golf. Is he a drunk businessman? No? Okay, then he has no business on a golf course. Wait, does he smoke cigars? Yeah, didn’t think so, alright then. My word stands.
Soccer. That’s what a lot of kids do, I guess. But we’ll be sticking away from any outdoor sports. Why should I suffer the weather just so this little asshole can run around for an hour and eat a metric shitload of orange wedges?
I think we’ll just get him some darts or something. I’ll wake his ass up at 6 AM and make him go throw darts for an hour, then he can eat a grapefruit in the kitchen. Done.