Rule #1: My daughter does not have a curfew, per se. However, sometimes you will feel a strong sense that I disapprove of how late the two (or three or four, depending on how open my daughter is to that stuff) of you have been out. This flexible curfew will be tough to get a handle on, however she may extend her curfew by giving me backrubs by candlelight before she leaves the house. You will smell my scent on her hands.
Rule #2: You are never, ever, to come along on family outings. I had my surgery for a reason, and the reason was because I didn’t want some second asshole kid coming along on family outings. I don’t know what kind of psychos you were dating before that their dads would just go ahead and pay for you to go with them to Water World so that you could look at their daughters in bikinis all day, but it’s not happening here. Instead, you will honk from the street, which I will always comment on as though I never told you this rule.
Rule #3: You will occupy my daughter on the entirety of her birthday, thereby relieving me of any obligation in that department. If asked, you will say that you spoke to me in private and asked me not to do anything for her as you felt that anything I did would far outshine anything you could possibly do.
Rule #4: If you and my daughter take any nude pictures or do any video stuff, it will be passed to a secret email so that all images can be trademarked and watermarked.
Rule #5: If you ever, EVER, ask my daughter any questions about me, I will come down on you harder than a combination of classism, racism, and hurricane weather came down on the unfortunate people of New Orleans.
Rule #6: You will provide me with a list of awesome speeches I can give you should things ever go wrong with my daughter. Example: “Make this right or I’m going to shove a skewer down your throat and out your asshole and slowly roast you in the backyard until your flesh is tender and delicious to my palate.”
Rule #7: You will sign a waiver stating that you are aware that my daughter has been (purposely) (since birth) infected with most known communicable diseases. You will also, for my amusement, use Smartboard technology to draw on top of a picture of my daughter drawings of what you think each disease looks like.
Rule #8: You will not indulge her in her habit of reading vampire romance novels. I really hare that shit.