Did you know that if you took every time I wrote the word “shit” on this web site, printed it out in 12 pt. font, and put the printouts end to end, it would stretch to the moon and back?
Hey, question:
When the fuck did the moon become the thing that we used to measure things against when they’re really far away? How does that make any sense?
According to a quick Google, 24 people have been to the moon. Not on the moon, just been to it. Which, by the way, is a little like driving cross-country to Disneyland and saying, Eh, no need to ride any rides.
According to some more goolging and boring math, that means that of everyone who has ever existed, .000000004% of people who ever lived have been to the moon.
So why, if essentially NOBODY has been there, are we always talking about how X would go to the moon and back? That don’t mean shit? You might as well say how many times something would wrap around Narnia, because I’ve been there the exact amount of times that I’ve been to the moon.
I think a new measurement is in order.
Suggestion A: How long it would take to drive.
If you told me that if you stacked every Oreo Americans eat along some highway, it would take 4 billion hours to drive the whole highway, that’s something I can understand. I fear that. Driving to the moon, I don’t fear that. Fear is a powerful learning tool, as we learned from days where it was somehow okay for adults to beat up kids at school. I wonder if some people got into teaching just for the fun of beating the hell out of kids.
Suggestion B: Number of your penises end-to-end it would take to equal something’s length.
That way, you have a sense of awe AND shame. A heady combo, indeed.
Suggestion C: Percentage of your total lifetime heartbeats you spent listening to this dumb fact.