“Never has Matt Damon’s hair looked so much like an English teacher’s.”
“You’ll laugh (at a monkey in a clear garbage bag). You’ll cry (because your stomach hurt from eating so much popcorn).”
“Riveting. No, wait, what’s that other R-Word? Oh, Really boring.”
“Never has an explanation of a virus’ origin been so unnecessarily tacked on to the ending of a movie. Except possibly Cabin Fever, but who could remember those after those nipples. Goddamn serving plates.”
“Laurence Fishburne is at his medium-est.”
“You’ll be glued to your seat. I was bored, but you’re stupid.”
“Motherfuckers be always touching each other.”