*An historical note: William Henry Harrison (“Sick Willy”) gave an inaugural address in the cold, and weeks later caught pneumonia and died, making him the president with the shortest term in office of 32 days. His address was 2 hours long, the longest in history, and he did not wear a coat or a hat.
Will, we need to talk.
We’ve all been talking, and we all agree that it seems like a bad idea to give this speech in the cold with no warm clothes.
Can we discuss some of this?
First of all, you are a very hot man. I understand this. I am not a hot man myself, but if I were, I can only imagine that I would want everyone to share in my hotness. And this is your big day. Between the broad shoulders of a Greek god and the ripped abs, you’re a slab of a man who I understand doesn’t want to cover his best assets with a long coat.
But the hat, maybe we can negotiate on the hat?
There are tons of great hats out today. Look at this one, for example? It’s made out of a real beaver. For some reason a guy saw a beaver and said, Let’s turn that guy into a hat. It didn’t make sense at first, but then he slathered it in mercury, one of the most poisonous substances known to man ever, and that’s when the lightbulb really clicked on.
Also, and again, keep in mind that I praised your body, worshipped it, but your hair leaves something to be desired. It’s a little thin, and a weird light brown color. You look like a guy who teaches astronomy at a bad college.
So maybe the hat will help a little?
No?
Alright, if you’re not willing to negotiate on the hat, let’s talk speech.
I appreciate that Daniel Webster is your buddy, and you wanted to have him give your speech a once-over to make sure you’re using the right their/there stuff, but let’s keep in mind that this is the dude responsible for the dictionary, the longest and boringest book ever written. Have you read this thing? It’s total shit. Who does he thing he’s impressing with this? I could make up a bunch of words and then make up what they mean if I wanted to. “Syllogism”? Give me a break.
I’m thinking maybe we could cut this sucker down from two hours to a tight fifteen. Throw in a couple jokes, a callback, and really keep things moving. You have four years to let everyone know what you’re all about. Let’s not blow your whole president load in the first day. The first day! Settle in a little bit, hang some shit up in the White House. Are people still allowed to do that? I feel like people are still allowed to hang shit up in the White House, although I bet in the year 2000 or so they’ll just stick with whatever painting of a Civil War guy killing an Indian they have there.
No on that one too? Okay. You know what? You’re president. You know best. You’re the one we decided to put in charge of the whole show of American here, so we should all trust your judgment on the length of a speech and the way you dress yourself.
Go get ’em!