Pete: Thanks again for seeing us doctor.
Doctor: No problem.
Pete: I mean it. Thanks a shitload. I can’t imagine what a baby would do without getting constant medical attention. Me, I haven’t had a checkup in 15 years. I’ve been exposed to narcotics and radiation, god knows how many stabbings. But a baby, that’s something that really needs looking at.
Doctor: Okay. Yes. Let me just take a look here. His throat looks a little red. Have you noticed anything unusual about his swallowing?
Pete: No, no. That’s just irritation from his heartburn. I’ll tell you something, this kid has the worst heartburn you’ll ever see. Worse than you can imagine. But a couple Zantac ground up in some milk helps a little.
Doctor: Oh, no. Infants should not have Zantac.
Pete: I understand that. But infants also should not have heartburn. So, you know, kind of two should-not-haves coming up against each other here.
Doctor: We could probably alter his diet and alleviate a lot of what’s going on. Tell me about a typical day, what he’s eating.
Pete: He ate all the drywall off the corner in the kitchen, I’ll tell you that right now. But it’s all gone, so I would think that’s probably not it. He has been drinking a lot of coffee lately.
Doctor: A lot?
Pete: Yeah. He was doing the two cups a day thing, but lately he’s been up so late all the time that he really has trouble getting started in the morning.
Doctor: Yes, I see. He does have very pronounced bags under his eyes here.
Pete: Hey, I have a quick question about the bill here.
Doctor: Yes?
Pete: When child protective services shows up, am I still going to have to pay for this checkup? Do they kind of assume all the expenses the minute they pick up the kid?
Doctor: Maybe I’ll go ahead and call now.
Pete: Yeah. Probably just call now.