After making the life-affirming decision to install a professional-grade gyros spindle in my kitchen as a way to compensate for the lack of ability to connect with humans in meaningful ways, I got to work.
See how smoothly I reminded you what happened last time? That’s important because some people don’t read the same blogs every day. Those people are called Dickfaces.
I decided that I could probably install the whole thing myself. My father had always taught me the importance of working on (divorce papers) with my hands and how much peace it brings a person (because it’s hard to have third wife until second wife is mostly out of the picture).
The hardware store was the first stop. I needed a metal pole, a metal box but with only two sides on the box, and something that made the pole spin but not the box spin. It would have been a lot easier if I’d just gone to a place that made gyros spindle stuff. But with an attitude like that, I might as well just shop at the girlfriend store and get a whole new girlfriend who is already put together and doesn’t have tremendous psychological abuse in her past and has a full set of teeth and doesn’t barely need me at all.
The people at the hardware store are not very helpful. They wear aprons and a lot of the aprons have pencils in them, but that’s about all they know about, tying aprons and putting pencils in there. And when they can’t help you find the spindle stuff, they won’t let you borrow their apron or their pencil either.
I bought a pipe and some metal, and one of those things you use to go around the walls of a shower. I bought a welder too, although I can never remember if a welder is for putting metal together or cutting it in half.
Whenever they build stuff on HGTV, they let the people who own the house put on goggles and knock down a wall with a hammer. I had a hammer, but no goggles, so I just made sure to line up what I was going to hit and then close my eyes right before I hit the wall with the hammer. It wasn’t a good idea. My eyes were fine, but I hit the kitchen cabinet instead of the wall, so now everyone can see that I just throw all my dishes in the cabinets and don’t organize them at all. There might be a plate and on top of that a bowl and in that a very sharp knife pointed straight up, holding up a shot glass. You just don’t know.
After I finished smashing the cabinet and then crying about smashing the cabinet and thinking how bad I messed up, it hit me that I don’t know anything about building or making things into other things. If someone says, Here’s a thing that’s already made and I want you to add some nice paint colors to it or some decorations, that’s something I can do. But making a thing into another thing and not worrying about the decoration until later is too hard for me.
It was time to bring in a professional.